I met my goals for today. It took me until 4 PM to meet those two tiny goals, but considering I went to both the shrink and GP, I think that wasn’t a bad result. After dinner, if I can stay awake, I am going to go buy my cups.

I took Little Dude for ice cream after school today. He wanted a milk shake, so I got him a small shake and I got a cone. Well, turns out he got a small shake and a cone. When he finished his shake, he handed me the cup and said, “Here Mommy. You hold my milkshake and I will hold your cone for you.” And because it was so cute and funny I let him get away with it and now he’s full of way too much ice cream. But I won some nice mommy points….and the past few weeks haven’t been easy on him either. He doesn’t know what happened, but he’s been impacted for sure. So, a little (or a lot of) ice cream was in order….

Back to Work

It’s kind of nice to be back at work. It gives me a way to focus. Not that I am having an easy time focusing though. It’s sort of a mixed bag. It gives me something to focus on, but I can’t do it. I have 2 goals for today. I have an article to write that is due today. My goal is to get that written and done. My other goal is to check my voicemail and return calls. I know that sounds like a pathetic goal, but I HATE checking voice mail and returning calls. Hate it with a passion far disproportionate to the activity.

In other news, I have lost about 6 pounds. It’s too much too fast, but not particularly surprising since I am not eating much. I am drinking my green smoothies though, so at least what is going in is very healthy (banana, pineapple, blueberries, strawberries, spinach, kale, spirulina, hemp milk). I think I am dehydrated, too. I am having some serious intestinal issues – for a few days now. I can’t even keep water in. I think the zoloft isn’t agreeing with me. I have an appointment today to figure that out. I’ll also get the heart thing checked.

Pep Talk

Little Man and I finger painted this morning. He almost never wants to do art, so I was excited he was interested. it was even his idea. So, we got out the fingerpaints and I was just talking to him while he painted. Then he insisted that I paint, too, so I painted with him. By the time we were done, he had determined that we painted a tiger, carrying a tiger ballon. He and I are both riding the tiger balloon and having a fun adventure on it. I love his imagination. It’s pretty much the first thing I have done alone with him since we found out about the miscarriage. And being that I am over the top emotional all around, it was a nice special moment. I want to frame it and hang it in my office at work.

After painting, we met today’s second goal. We went to the park. It’s cold out there. He was dressed properly, me, not so much.

The general malaise has kicked in. This is the part I knew was coming and that I got the pills for. I hope they work quickly. I got through this once. Millions and millions of women have gotten through this, and many of them have done it multiple times, too. I will get through this…I just need to keep reminding myself that it will get easier. The random outbursts of tears will stop. The general nausea and empty feeling will go away. Life will go on. And I will be an active participant.

How’s that for a self pep talk?

This coming week should go quickly. Monday I have a doc and shrink appt. Tuesday-Thursday at work we are putting on a conference, which will mean long days, but also a busy mind. Friday will be busy, too. The the following week I will be going to Washington DC for a conference and the day after I get back is my post op follow up. That’s sort of my benchmark on how things are going. For whatever reason, it feels like that post op appointment should be a time when I can honestly see some improvement.

I am just so not in the mood to go to DC, but I know it will help the time pass. And I know that I have to get my shit together and live my life, so I am trying not to let myself cancel that trip….

My shrink said I should start journalling to get through this. She was right. My fucking brain doesn’t stop running. Writing helps.

My new focal point is going to be weight loss. It’s not proving easy to change my focus, but I have to. I HAVE to. I have to focus all of this energy and attention somewhere more healthy.

It’s over. It’s done. No amount of energy or anything else I put into it is going to change that. I think I have accepted that. I had a really hard time cutting off the hospital bracelet from the surgery. For whatever reason, that felt really symbolic to me. Like, that was the final piece that meant it really was over.

I am struggling to find the balance of what is an acceptable amount of sadness and what is wallowing. I’m struggling with how to start to move on without just shoving emotional shit under the carpet. Which I am really good at, but it usually comes back and kicks my ass a few years later.

So, I am trying weight loss as my new focal point. I am exactly the same weight I was this time last year. In April of last year I was at my lowest weight in years. With a little bit of work, I could be there again this year. Which would put me in a good place for trying to get pregnant again.

We are going to try again. The OB gave me birth control pills and my RE agreed that I can take them. This should get me on a regular cycle quickly. My RE said I need to have one regular cycle and then we can try again. It does help to have a plan. Hopefully my body cooperates with the birth control pills and the cycle happens as it should and we can move again.

When we tried getting pregnant in April of last year, we did – on our first try. I miscarried that one, too. But I know I am capable of having a baby – I have had one. So, we will try again. That process isn’t easy either, but if it works, it’s worth it.

Maybe I need to set some daily goals that are more bite size pieces to give me some guidance on what I feel like I want to do in a given day – so I feel like I am accomplishing something. Ok, that’s my new plan – daily goals.

Today’s goals are 2. 1) finish the Girl Scout cookies I bought yesterday so they are out of the house and I feel like I have had my fill of them. Throw away whetever is not finished at the end of the day. 2) Take Colton to the park and play with him. These two hit on the things i feel like are important right now – losing weight and focusing on my kid and being a better mom than I have been for the past 2 weeks.

Pills

(Originally posted to LiveJournal)

I am headed to the doctor to ask for some pills. Some for sleep and some for depression. My regular doc is on vacation until Monday, which made me really upset – I don;t want to see a different doctor. My doctor already knows everything going on – she knows about the miscarriage and the d&c. I wouldn’t have to explain to her why I need the pills ASAP. I am going to have to explain it to this doctor and I’ll be in tears before I even start talking….. but I need to sleep. It cannot wait until my doc gets back from vacation.

Surgery Details

(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

(Warning, some of this is not pretty…don’t read it if you don’t think you can handle it….)

Ok, it’s done. And I am home. This morning was traumatic. I woke up at about 4 AM having contractions – I went into labor with the miscarriage. The contractions continued all morning – and there was no doubt – they were labor contractions. Got to the hospital, told them about it, stayed in the waiting room trying to power through the contractions without anyone knowing. When I went up to the registration desk and I was sitting going over the paperwork – I felt a weird popping feeling and the contractions got a little easier. When I was done there, I stood up and just poured blood. They ran and got a wheelchair an took me back right away. I went to the bathroom, and I felt a bunch of stuff come out. I think I might have had the miscarriage then.

They took very good care of me, got me in a bed. The contractions were much lighter and farther apart then. My doctor came and talked to me – we decided to go ahead with the D&C anyway since we were there to make sure everything came out. Plus, I was bleeding REALLY heavily, like through a monster pad every 10 minutes…..so she wanted to make sure everything was doing what it needed to to stop the bleeding. I was really impressed with my doctor today.

Procedure went fine. They first gave me some drugs for the contraction pain which made me giggle hysterically, which in turn made everyone else laugh…..and then I remember an oxygen mask, and the operating room lights….then waking up and having the tube pulled out of my throat. Poor Heather had to leave and find a wal mart to go buy me some pants because I bled through everything in the morning….

But, I feel better than I have in days right now. I’ve been in a lot of increasing pain over the last few days, much of which has subsided at this point. I am going to take a demerol here in a little bit, which should take care of the residual cramping I have right now. Truly, Ibuprofen could probably take care of it….but….. I’m going to take the demerol anyway.

Post Op Funk

(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

Well, I suspected I would get hit pretty hard again emotionally after the D&C and here it comes. I was pretty ok most of the day – because I was doped up from the surgery, then the pain pill, then I slept a good chunk of the day, too. (Surgery discussed in previous post).

If I can muster it, I am going to try to get into my GP tomorrow to get a prescription for some happy pills. I stopped taking mine several months ago. And I learned today that if you have a history of post partum depression, it can happen after a miscarriage, too. So on top of whatever shit you have to deal with from the miscarriage, you also may get the lovely hormone induced post partum depression as icing on the cake. Right – I am going to need the happy pills.

I am so tempted just to take pain pills tomorrow, too, to sort of help numb myself through the emotional shitstorm I feel coming. But 2 years of therapy in, I know that would just be a problem in the long run. I need to just feel what I feel and get it over with. My shrink has been calling me every couple of days to make sure that I am ok and she gave me her personal cell number in case I need to talk to her at any time. Very nice of her – but I am really thinking that’s not what I need right now.

Blogging again is actually good for processing this. Having one or two local friends who know and I can talk to helps. Having a few long distance friends I can talk to helps. A lot of little things help…I’m just trying not to overwhelm any one friend or group of friends with my need to process and talk. I just think tomorrow is going to be rough.

I’m trying to hold it back right now because I am not here alone and I need to be part of the family.  Tomorrow it will just be me. If I find myself up to going to the store at some point, it will be me and a large quantity of some variety of cookies and milk and I’ll drown my sorrows in sugar. Unhealthy, I know. But I gave myself until the end of Saturday to just do whatever the hell I want or need to do, which includes looking to vices like sugar- and after that I have to work on getting better.

And I am rambly – if you can’t tell from this. My brain is all over the place. In order to give myself a way to move forward, I have to find a focal point.

To Clarify…

(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I was just reading back over some old posts and given where I am right now, let me clarify for the universe.  I previously said, “I just want to be pregnant….”  Let me rephrase that in case the universe has experienced some confusion about what I really want.  I really want to be pregnant with a healthy baby that sticks around until it is the right and proper time for it to be born.  Then I want it born without complication, to breastfeed properly,  and to go on and be a happy, well adjusted member of our family.  And I want this to happen immediately.

So, consider any ambiguity clarified.

Otherwise, I am just not feeling well today.  I sort of feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  Cramps, excruciating backache, nausea, pains in my side….. I feel the worst today, physically, than I have yet during this process.

Cramps

(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

Ohhh, the cramps!  It’s like the worst menstrual cramps ever, times 2.  They were bad enough to take my breath away a little bit earlier….Added to a back ache, a head ache, nausea…. oh yeah.  Fun times.

I’m nervous about the d&c tomorrow.  But not specifically about the d&c – just about surgery in general and anesthesia.  You know, I’ll just feel better once it’s over and I wake up ok….  I remember when I had my gallbladder out a few years ago – I wasn’t scared of the surgery itself, I was scared of not coming out of it.  And you know, having a kid and all makes me much more paranoid about that.

I have read that if you are in a lot of pain before hand, you will likely feel better once the procedure is over.  I hope that holds true for me.  If not, I have some demerol I can take after the surgery – and I know that will help.

Here’s to a safe procedure and recovery.

Back Again

(Originally posted in weight loss blog)

Well, here were are nearly just over a year since I started this blog. It has remained largely neglected as I my focus shifted during the year. I went form being totally focused on losing weight and being healthier, to being totally focused on getting pregnant. Unfortunately, both of these endeavors are so emotionally and mentally engaging (and exhausting at times), that I never quite managed to do both at once.

So, let’s bring this up to speed. After buying the house and having a miscarriage last May, I spent the remainder of the year in fertility treatments. I was on a cocktail of hormones and undergoing inseminations. The hormones made me physically sick most of the time and they made me feel crazy, depressed, lonely, etc.

For every failed cycle, I ended up with huge ovarian cysts, one was the size of a soda can. Each time, I ended up with a thin needle cyst aspiration. I had 3 of these and they SUCK. There is no anesthesia or pain meds (well, by the 3rd one I demanded pain meds) – but they use the internal ultrasound wand with a needle attachment and poke through to the ovary, drain it and then pull the needle out. SUCK.

After watching so many friends get pregnant, I finally got my positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. FINALLY. I was so happy to bring in 2011 with the first good news in a very long time. And then last week, i found out the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat. I’m awaiting a D&C on Thursday for the miscarriage.

So, it seems like I always find my way back to this blog when my life is upside down. And it is truly upside down right now. I think this blog helps me focus because it centers me back on weight loss. Which gives me some clear direction and a clear plan. Maybe it gives me a sense of being in control of at least one thing in my life. My current weight is the same as it was in March 2010. So, maybe as I recover from the D&C and miscarriage, I can refocus on weight loss and getting it down as much as possible before we start to try to get pregnant again.

But before I do that, I need to give myself just a few days of space. I have the D&C Thursday – from today until Saturday I will eat whatever I want. Cookies, cupcakes – whatever I want. And I will do it guilt free. And after that, I will refocus. I’m going to try to keep blogging – it’s another thing that helps me focus and feel in control.

Until next time….