Monthly Archives: June 2010

Struggling

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I am having a rough time in life right now. That miscarriage was like a trigger that set me spiraling back into depression. I’m struggling to get it under control again. I’m struggling to get most things in control again. Really, all I want to do these days is find a place and hide.

 

(Originally posted on my weight loss blog)

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Neglect

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(Originally posted on my weight loss blog)

It’s been almost 3 solid months since I posted anything. To be fair, it was three months of my life with the most upheaval and change I have experienced since I was a teenager. A quick outline:

– We bought a new house. This was not in the immediate plans, but one thing led to another and now we live in our new house. It was a horrible, stressful process (far worse than when we bought our last house before the financial meltdown) and I don’t know when I will have the fortitude to try it again, so hopefully we are happy in this house for a very long time.

– Which led to issues because we could not sell our old house due to negative equity. So we had to find renters and get the place rented out and deal with all of the renter crap.

– I have been traveling for work quite a lot.

– I went on two personal trips – one to visit family and then a family vacation to Hawaii.

– My side business has been thriving, which is great. But adds a lot of work and time consumption to my life.

– I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was planned, the miscarriage was not. I am still reeling emotionally from the miscarriage and all that comes with it.

Which brings me back to this blog. I had lost a total of 33 pounds since January. Which is good, but could be better. And I am certain I have now gained some of that back, though I haven’t gathered the courage to step on the scale again yet. Throughout the course of all of the above listed processes, eating healthy was on my mind, but not in my actions. I ate what I wanted. What felt good. What was the least amount of work and time.

There was a brief stint, when I knew I was pregnant, but before the miscarriage, when I was eating uber-healthy. Eating for two is a serious responsibility and I take it as such. It’s funny how that works mentally – my baby and my child are important enough that I feed them right – but I don’t feed myself right. Is that a sign of low self worth? I can’t decide if it’s low self esteem and lack of self respect, or pure laziness.

Then there was the miscarriage. And while I had previously made some progress on emotional eating, this shattered all of that. It was devastating, and shockingly lonely to deal with. It is still shockingly lonely to deal with as it was very recent. I took solace in food, and used sugar and other foods to help numb the pain. I didn’t want to talk to anyone – all I wanted to do was sleep. And when I woke up, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch in silence eating brownies, covered in chocolate sauce, covered in fudge, covered in cookie crumbs, topped off with a huge dose of whipped cream.

And the emotional eating worked, of course it worked – that’s why people engage in emotional eating. But it worked as a patch, a band-aid. It didn’t heal anything, it didn’t help me come to a long term understanding or coping with the situation. And ultimately, now I am not only still dealing with processing and accepting the miscarriage, but also the weight I gained and fixing that.

And I can’t help it – I know that early miscarriages are usually the result of a genetic defect in the embryo, but I keep questioning myself. What if that wasn’t it? What if it was my weight? A hormone imbalance induced by my weight and the PCOS that caused the miscarriage? What if I did this? Intellectually, I know this should not be a conversation I am having with myself. Emotionally, it’s the one thing I keep putting on myself that I haven’t admitted to anybody – not my doctor, not even my shrink. Because I know what they are going to tell me – they are going to tell me what I already know intellectually but cannot seem to embrace.

So, here we are. Emotionally, I am on very shaky ground. VERY. But, I am refocusing on my diet and eating. If I want to get pregnant again – and I do, very quickly – I need to be eating healthier and losing weight to make that happen. And the more weight I can lose, the more chance I have at getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy.

Which brings me back to the blog. I have to resume my battle with emotional eating, resume my transparency and honesty with myself, continue to face myself, and continue to deal with my issues. I have found the strength again to think about myself and improving myself, so despite my shaky emotional state, I feel like I am finally about to take control again and not let life swallow me whole. So, in the interest of getting current, tomorrow I will post a current weight and I think I’ll start doing measurements instead of pants size, because honestly, some of my pants got way too big, but I can’t afford to buy new ones, so I keep wear that size. Measurements will be more telling.

 

It’s Done

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I am still waiting for some bloodwork back, but I think the miscarriage is finally complete.  I did not have to have a D&C and it was not ectopic.  These are both good things.  It’s still shockingly painful and lonely to deal with.  And all I can do is just wait to hear from the doctor to know what my next steps are.  I was posting in my weight loss blog and I kind of surprised myself by what came out when I was writing in a less guarded style.  No one reads the weight loss blog (primarily because I haven’t really told anyone about it) so I guess I felt freer there.

So, now it’s just a question of how do I move forward – both emotionally and physically from this.  Hawaii helped, for sure.  But it didn’t cure – I suppose only time will be able to do that.  I am fighting a battle with depression that set in as this happened – my pills and shrink are effectively helping to deal with that, but it’s definitely a fight.  I am also fighting with emotional eating and weight issues resulting from this.

In all honesty, I just want to be pregnant.  That one is gone – it didn’t work out.  I accept that and am working to deal with it.  What is just so excruciating at the moment is not knowing what is next or when I can try again.  After the miscarriage was confirmed they told me I had to wait 2 weeks and have another blood draw, which I did Tuesday of this week.  When I tried to get them to talk to me about when I could try again, all they would tell me was “When your body is ready” which is not helpful to me.  And that’s still the only answer I have from them.  I am truly hoping that when the results from this week’s test are here, we can put a timeline on it.  It would really help me move past the loss to know when I could actually move forward.   I wonder how long it takes to get the results – the last several blood draws had results same day…it’s been 2 days of waiting this time and still no word.

In life, in general, I hate waiting.  This is even worse because I have so much emotion tied to it.