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The Short Version…


I haven’t blogged in a long time.  I needed to breathe.  And walk away.  And figure out how to move on with my life.  Despite having no answers as to why, I concluded that I just cannot have more babies.  Too many losses – perfect little embryos that should have turned into babies – and they tried –  and my body just neglected them and never let them become.  It was too much.  The guilt, the heartbreak, the feelings of inadequacy…

A lot has happened, and this is the short version:

1. My wife and I almost got divorced

2.  We didn’t.  We got couples counseling instead.  Which has been amazing.  Our relationship is in the best shape it has been in in so many years.

3. I decided to never try to get pregnant again.

4.  My wife decided that she would try.  I am certain hell froze over that day…

5.  We went through IVF, and my wife is 8 weeks pregnant.

6. With twins.

7.  Shhhhhh!  We aren’t telling anyone yet because it’s way too early.  She’s just 8 weeks.

I got a new job that I start in 2 weeks.  I will telecommute exclusively. I got a seat on a Board at a non-profit that is really dear to me. And I have twin babies on  the way.  Wow.  That’s the short version.

We have another ultrasound Friday to make sure there are still two fluttery little heartbeats in there, and then the first real pre-natal appointment on Monday.  So we should get to see those little heartbeats again.

I’m terrified to be excited.  I’ve been through so many losses….the thought of being heartbroken over this again is terrifying.  But, a dear friend said to me, “It will be no less devastating if you try to convince yourself that you are being cautious.  Just enjoy what you have.”   I’m taking that to heart.


Working It Out


I am acting under the assumption that tomorrow’s beta will be negative.  I sort of feel like at 7.5, that’s probably the only real outcome here.  I mean, it was either on it’s way up, or on it’s way down when I had the first beta on Friday.  But, if it was on it’s way up, it was very, very low.  Which means, not likely.

So, I went to the gym today, and I had a great workout.  A safe workout, in the event that a miracle is brewing, but a good workout.  It helped get my mind off of things and re-focused.  One more PIO shot tonight, second beta tomorrow and this will probably all be done.

I don’t know if we try again.  Like, ever.  

Chowchilla, CA


I forgot how these drugs impact me, but now I’ve been reminded.  I started Lupron, and within 2 days was thoroughly settled into the sulking rage that I had so conveniently forgotten that Lupron brought me.  That lasted about 7 days until I added the Vivelle dot estrogen patches.  Within a day, I slowly emerged from the sulking rage phase into the uncontrollably weepy phase.  Ahhhh, yes.  Sweet uncontrollable tears,  I had forgotten about you.  Look at me – I cry.  Breathe near me – I cry.  Shoelace tied too tight – I cry.  Unruly piece of hair that just won’t behave?  You got it – I cry.  I have to drink at least one extra bottle of water a day to rehydrate from all of the tears.  SAnd there are two other side effects from the Vivelle this time.  One oldie I had forgotten, and one new one.

I’ve never gotten sore boobs with Vivelle before, but holy crap!  They are big and achy!  I can’t even find a sports bra tight enough to keep these things from hurting.  That’s the new one.

But, the real other side effect is one I have never told anyone about except my wife. I feel like it’s time.  Because somebody, somewhere, needs to know that she is not alone.  Once, about 4 years ago, I was in this process, and I was in this same phase.  5 units of Lupron daily, 2 Vivelle estrogen patches changed every 2 days.  I was in the car, driving to a business meeting in Fresno.  The drive from Sacramento to Fresno is long and boring.  About 5-6 hours.  It’s directly down the middle of the state, on small roads, through farm country.  There are not a lot of stops, not many places to pull over, take a break, etc.  Just farms and countryside.

So, I’m driving to Fresno, all dolled up in a business suit for a fairly important meeting.  Well, about 4 hours into the trip, I have to go to the bathroom.  NOW.  It hit and needed to instantaneously be let out.  But, there was no option for pulling over, there were no exits.  No restaurants.  No gas stations.  No convenience stores.  Just fields as far as the eye could see.  5 minutes pass.  10 minutes pass.  Still nothing.  I started running scenarios in my mind on how I could pull over and go in a field….no.  I could not find a scenario in which this could be possible on this flatland as far as the eye can see.  But I had to go NOW.  I held it for like 20 minutes.  My colon was spazzing.  I was sweating, periodically groaning out loud, squirming in my seat, clinching as tightly as anyone ever has – it was seriously the most desperate I have EVER been to get to a bathroom.  And then I saw an exit…for Chowchilla.  Yes – they had a McDonalds!  There had to be a bathroom.

I jet off the exit, get into the parking lot, open the door and stand up.  And my ass explodes.  Explodes.  Not a little.  Explodes.  Not knowing what else to do, (I can’t get back into my car), I head into McDonalds, shitting my way through the restaurant, all the way to the bathroom.  It took me a good 20-30 minutes, and I did have to dispose of a few articles of clothing, but I eventually was able to get cleaned up.  I resumed my trip, significantly worse for wear, and held a successful meeting.

I had not forgotten The Chowchilla Incident.  It was such a substantial moment in my life, it has a name.  But, I had forgotten that it was Vivelle that caused The Chowchilla Incident.  So, this time around, I wasn’t as careful as I should have been.  You can see where this is going.  I was sitting at my desk at work, got the urge, and thought, “Well, I’ll just finish these last two sentences in my email and then go to the bathroom.”  Nope.  Big mistake.  I Chowchilla’d.  3 steps outside of the office bathroom door (which is incidentally no more than 25 feet from my office), with a co-worker about 4 steps behind me also headed to the bathroom.

So, other than the rage, the tears, and the pants shitting – I’m great!

And now you know my deepest, darkest, secret.

An Embryo by Any Other Name…


Our embryo travel crisis is not over yet, but I am trying to remain calm.  I mean, I don’t have much choice or control over what’s happening, so it isn’t doing me much good to panic.  It did totally take the wind out of me today, though.

And against my better judgment, I have named the embryo because I hate calling it “the embryo”.  It shall henceforth be referred to as The Frizzle.  I think the name is un-namelike enough that if this doesn’t work, the fact that it had a name won’t be a big emotional thing.

What are you saying?


Well, the universe has been sending me some golden news on the baby making front, and my wife has been glowingly supportive.  All of which confuses me, but I accept it.

I finally found out from my clinic that they will transfer the one embryo our friends are donating, and they will only charge me $250 to do it.  Whoa.  So, we’re doing it.  It’s a slow process to get started because I am still waiting for the paperwork to come from my clinic so we can get the ball rolling, but as soon as it is here, we will be moving ahead.

I also got an email out of the blue from some people who used the same donor we used for our son.  They have 2 vials they are not going to need, and our donor was “sold out”, long ago.  They are willing to sell us those vials at a very reduced cost.  Yes, please.  That’s my back up plan.  I’m going to get those vials from them and have them stored as a next plan if the FET with the donor embryo for some reason does not work.

I’m very unaccustomed to the universe giving me upbeat news on the baby making idea, but I’m just accepting whatever it throws my way right now.  My recent mental journey has been around getting myself mentally and physically healthy, and part of that is being open to the energy and opportunities that present themselves.  So, here I am, and there they are, and now we move ahead and see what happens.


Well, I’ve had my endometriosis surgery and they didn’t find a single speck of endometriosis or anything else.  And that sucked.  So, I’m kind of curious about all of these symptoms I have, because I was certain they were endo.  And it’s also disappointing because I just thought that after they fixed that, maybe I would have a better chance at getting pregnant using the donated embryo from my friends.  But, nothing changed.  Apparently nothing was ever wrong.  Except that I cannot get pregnant no matter what we try.

But I have my heart set of trying with this embryo.  My clinic is being froggy about just using one embryo given my history.  They are telling me that they really don’t want to try with only one embryo since my history doesn’t indicate that chances of success with only one would be that substantial.  But, they don’t have another embryo available for me, so all I have is one.

I’ve been researching “womb scratching” and “hsg wash” as things that increase implantation and success with embryo transfer.  I have to talk to the doc about those, but first I have to get him to get over just having one embryo.  It’s what I have to work with, and it’s an incredible act of kindness that brought it to me, so they need to work with it.  

Personal Trainer Food Review…. A Reprieve


Ok, today wasn’t as bad.  It was actually pretty good.  Today’s lunch was marinara chicken and squash.  The squash was slightly under-ripe, and therefore not as flavorful as squash should be.  And I LOVE squash, so it doesn’t take much to win me over with squash.  This one could have been better.  I didn’t finish it because of the under-ripeness and a very weird texture.  It squeaked against my teeth when I chewed it…odd.  But, it wasn’t horrible.  The marinara chicken was really tasty.  I think I only ordered one of those because it’s not the kind of thing I usually like.  So, there you go.  10 bags of nasty fajita meat, and one bag of tasty chicken.  Go figure.

One secret – cook the meat longer than they instruct.  On every microwave, I have found adding 30-45 extra seconds makes the chicken have a much better texture.  Less mushy/frozen TV dinner, more chickeny.

Personal Trainer Food Review – Uh oh


First things first – I had my blood work today for the endometriosis surgery, so we are still on schedule to deal with that on Friday.  I am nervous, but also happy for the notable change it could make in my life.

Now, on to the food.  Oh no.  This one was bad.  BAD.  Like, I swallowed one bite whole, and then had to spit out the next bite, bad.

Steak fajita strips.  The steak was mushy – like mashed potato consistency.  I almost threw up.  It was salty and mushy, and what I imagine it would feel/taste like to eat boogers.  I’m still queasy from the experience.  I’m going to eat some pistachios to see if I can recover.

I had some variety of veggie at lunch, too.  Oh yes, the Mediterranean veggies.  But they were seasoned, and also mushy, and after the “steak” made me queasy, I could not stomach the salty, mushy veggies either.  I threw the whole plate of food away.  Another day I could like these veggies, so I’ll try them again to see.  I have 10 bags of this fajita steak though – how am I going to get through those???

So far the only thing I really like are the chicken sticks with various flavors.  And I have a whole lot of other things to eat, and not many of those.  The convenience of the veggies is nice, and overall they just taste like veggies.  So, that’s good.  If I could send everything back and reorder right now, I would have 28 days of chicken sticks and assorted veggies.  The rub there is that those chicken sticks have around 25-30 carbs per serving.  So, if I had 2 servings a day of those, I would be eating 50-60 carbs a day just in breading.  And that’s never going to help me lose weight.

I guess the deal is that I tried it and I don’t like it.  And if I do like it, it’s not actually that nutritionally sound.  SUCK.  I had high hopes for this.  AND I have approximately 23 days of food left to eat.