I did it. The big break up is over. I tried to let them down gently, since overall, everyone has been incredibly kind.
It turns out, that to get my remaining sperm-sicle to my new clinic, I either have to rent a shipping dewar or go to the clinic with a cooler full of dry ice and hand deliver the vial to the new clinic. Oy. The Wife has Friday off, so maybe she will be on sperm relocation duty. I’ll be pissed if I have to take a day off work just to do that.
I have to let my old clinic know that I am changing. I just need to break up with them and get it over with. Yet, I am having a really difficult time making the call. You know, you get where you are comfortable and you mostly know what to expect, and generally, people have been kind and compassionate – it’s hard to break up. But, we want different things from life, me and my old clinic. We are really going different directions…I want kids, and you know, that kind of thing can really tear a relationship apart.
I need to just bite the bullet and do this.
I spoke to the new fertility clinic today and they just do things so differently from my old clinic. They will do bloodwork to check my hormone levels, there will be better monitoring. They are working on getting the hysteroscopy approved through my insurance. Really, the attention to detail and the amount of information we will have will be so much greater than I had before. I am looking forward to moving ahead with this clinic.
I am awaiting a call from a nurse coordinator. I would love to find out if I can possibly have my foot surgery done now while we are waiting to get the hysteroscopy, etc. all taken care of.
I have “I’m Sexy and I Know It” on my playlist for the gym. It sort of motivates me. One day I’ll be all thinned out singing “wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah” and NOT be thinking self deprecating thoughts.
I emailed the new office yesterday – both the doctor and the financial coordinator. I haven’t heard back from either one, and I know that it’s totally a reasonable amount of time – and I think I even signed an acknowledgement form that said emails could take 48 hours to be answered, but I am eager and my eggs are not getting any younger.
In other news, the diet plan and working out seem to be moving along. I am down about 13 pounds, and exercising regularly. On Wednesday nights, we’ve started to go out with some friends and exercise – running and biking through the path in the neighborhood park. The three kids ride their bikes and adults can choose to bike or run, as long as we have one adult on a bike to stay with the kids. Last night was our first time out and, well, I don’t like exercising with other people. I like doing it on my own. I don’t like bench marking my efforts against what other people are doing – but when you are running with other people, how do you not do that? I’ll be clear, it was no surprise to me that I don’t like doing this with other people – I knew that when I agreed to do it. It just seemed like the right thing to do for the families and kids.
Working out with other people does not make me feel motivated and inspired. I makes me feel beat down and not good enough. I said it last night, as I was the last person to arrive back at the house – it’s like every nightmarish 10th grade gym class timed mile run, where I was last and had to deal with the fact that no matter how hard I had just tried – I was still last and everyone else was just standing around watching me huff my fat ass to the finish line.
Now, as adults, this really isn’t what’s happening. No one is judging (I guess). But it was totally a moment of reliving that feeling of high school awfulness. I haven’t worked out with other people in over 10 years – even when The Wife and I go to the gym together, she gives me space and we do our own thing because she knows I just like to be on my own and do what I do.
And I am going to just have to get over it because these group workouts are not going to end. It’s only one day a week. I can handle that (once I am done whining about it). And I think the more weight I lose, the easier it’s going to get. But the running won’t get any easier until I lose more weight. It’s going to be another 15 pounds before I even start to see improvement in my distance running. If I really bust my ass, I might be able to make that happen in about 3 weeks.
I think I might try some HIIT training. That sounds interesting to me.
I went to the new fertility clinic today and got a second opinion. I am kicking myself for waiting this long. For waiting until we are out of money.
I had a baseline at my usual office this morning. After encountering The Wand, I was told that I had no cysts and that the uterine lining looked ok, but that I would probably have a bit heavier period than a withdrawal bleed during my medications this time. That all sounded routine, so I went on my merry way, got some work done, and then headed to the new clinic for a consultation.
Unknown to me, the consultation includes a physical and an ultrasound. 2 Wands in one day – we’re setting new infertility records here, people.
Anyway, I digress. I liked this doctor. She was clearly smart and thorough. She asked a lot of questions and answered a lot of questions. And then it was time to see The Wand. And she clearly identified that I DO have ovarian cysts – in both ovaries. And they didn’t develop in the few hours between this morning’s appointment and this afternoon’s appointment. I saw them clear as day on the ultrasound. Then she looked at my uterus – and there was a darker white spot which she said looked like it could be a polyp. The size wasn’t able to be determined, but she said they would check it before proceeding with any cycles if I go to that clinic. I guess they put a tiny camera in there and see what it is and how big to determine if it needs to be removed prior to and cycling. And if it does, then you get a little bit of surgery to remove it.
She also was generally very thorough about my vaccinations, and making sure that I have another oddity (which even in this blog, I’m not telling!), checked out by my OB.
I got there thinking there was probably nothing else they could tell me, but left thinking that I absolutely have to go there for the rest of my treatment, no matter how short lived the remainder is. That’s my best chance.
We really cannot afford another IVF, so IUI is our only choice. I have to find out how much they charge for it at the new office, but it’s probably on par with what I was paying, so it won’t likely be an issue. I know my time is limited for trying – but, I am not going down without a fight.
So, my friend has breast cancer. And, though she hasn’t talked to the surgeon yet, she thinks she will be having a double mastectomy. I don’t often mention it here, but I am a professional photographer, and my friend has asked me to take before and after pictures of her breasts. These are pretty much the most important pictures I will ever take – and I want so badly for them to be perfect, so I am researching what breast cancer photography might be like. I only have a few days to be ready. These things happen quickly, so we are doing the pictures this week. I took a look at The Scar Project and the images are beautiful, but a little darker than my friend is seeking. Have you seen any breast cancer photography that moved you? I would love some links.
In unrelated events, I am headed in tomorrow for a baseline. I also have an appointment at another clinic for a second opinion. I don’t know what else they could possibly tell me, but I need to know that we’ve covered all bases. At my clinic, for $10,000 you can get 6 anonymous donor embryos and the transfer cycles. I wish I had another $10k.
A few days ago, I was ruminating on what it means to deal with my issues, trauma, pain – whatever – without just eating sugar all the time. I haven’t quite sorted it out, and after a visit to my shrink, in which I pretty much just cried the whole time, I still don’t have the perfect answer. But I do have ideas – she’s really helpful in that way.
It turns out though, the thing that seems to be giving me the most relief is going to the gym. It’s not running in the neighborhood, it’s not running on my treadmill at home – it’s not exercise in general. It is specifically going to the gym – by myself. And lifting weights. I’m such a weakling at this point, but literally adding weight until I am really working to get through 8 reps, then doing two more sets – that’s working for me. It’s like pushing everything I have into moving those weights is pushing through the pain. And yeah, I’m still really, really emotional about all of this fertility stuff. About it almost being over. About the doors closing on my childbearing years – without my consent. Yeah – still really emotional. Really.
So, today my body hurts from working out last night. But it hurts in that good way. The way I understand. And I want to go back tonight and do it all again.
For as much as my situation breaks my heart, today I am heartbroken for a friend who just found out that she has breast cancer. For the second time in 12 months. Today, I am heartbroken for her.
Well, I thought I might have, anyway. Yesterday afternoon I got a little lightheaded, then a shooting pain in my left shoulder, up my neck, and into my jawbone. That was awesomely accompanied by an increase in lightheadedness, and cold sweats. The episode passed within a few minutes, but the sweating stuck around for a bit. The weird ache and tingling in my left arm was there for a few hours. I called my doc to see if I needed to go in or if this was just one of those weird things that bodies sometimes do. She had me come in immediately.
She said it was not a heart attack, but seemed like a vasovagal response. I had chest x-rays to make sure I was not experiencing a pneumothorax. And there was nothing – those came back clear. So, what was it? What caused it all? Unknown. My doc theorized that it was an issue with the trapezius muscle, and that it caught a nerve which caused the tingling. No explanation for the sweating and lightheadedness, other than those can be caused by intense pain.
So, what I have today is a pretty bad lingering headache and I am really tired from the muscle relaxer and pain pill. I mostly just want to go home and sleep for a few hours, but that is not to be.
And in an unrelated note to the universe: I am looking for donor embryos still. Preferably ones with no strings attached. There must be some embryos, somewhere…