So, let’s bring this up to speed. After buying the house and having a miscarriage last May, I spent the remainder of the year in fertility treatments. I was on a cocktail of hormones and undergoing inseminations. The hormones made me physically sick most of the time and they made me feel crazy, depressed, lonely, etc.
For every failed cycle, I ended up with huge ovarian cysts, one was the size of a soda can. Each time, I ended up with a thin needle cyst aspiration. I had 3 of these and they SUCK. There is no anesthesia or pain meds (well, by the 3rd one I demanded pain meds) – but they use the internal ultrasound wand with a needle attachment and poke through to the ovary, drain it and then pull the needle out. SUCK.
After watching so many friends get pregnant, I finally got my positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. FINALLY. I was so happy to bring in 2011 with the first good news in a very long time. And then last week, i found out the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat. I’m awaiting a D&C on Thursday for the miscarriage.
So, it seems like I always find my way back to this blog when my life is upside down. And it is truly upside down right now. I think this blog helps me focus because it centers me back on weight loss. Which gives me some clear direction and a clear plan. Maybe it gives me a sense of being in control of at least one thing in my life. My current weight is the same as it was in March 2010. So, maybe as I recover from the D&C and miscarriage, I can refocus on weight loss and getting it down as much as possible before we start to try to get pregnant again.
But before I do that, I need to give myself just a few days of space. I have the D&C Thursday – from today until Saturday I will eat whatever I want. Cookies, cupcakes – whatever I want. And I will do it guilt free. And after that, I will refocus. I’m going to try to keep blogging – it’s another thing that helps me focus and feel in control.
Until next time….