Back Again

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(Originally posted in weight loss blog)
Well, here were are nearly just over a year since I started this blog. It has remained largely neglected as I my focus shifted during the year. I went form being totally focused on losing weight and being healthier, to being totally focused on getting pregnant. Unfortunately, both of these endeavors are so emotionally and mentally engaging (and exhausting at times), that I never quite managed to do both at once.

So, let’s bring this up to speed. After buying the house and having a miscarriage last May, I spent the remainder of the year in fertility treatments. I was on a cocktail of hormones and undergoing inseminations. The hormones made me physically sick most of the time and they made me feel crazy, depressed, lonely, etc.

For every failed cycle, I ended up with huge ovarian cysts, one was the size of a soda can. Each time, I ended up with a thin needle cyst aspiration. I had 3 of these and they SUCK. There is no anesthesia or pain meds (well, by the 3rd one I demanded pain meds) – but they use the internal ultrasound wand with a needle attachment and poke through to the ovary, drain it and then pull the needle out. SUCK.

After watching so many friends get pregnant, I finally got my positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. FINALLY. I was so happy to bring in 2011 with the first good news in a very long time. And then last week, i found out the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat. I’m awaiting a D&C on Thursday for the miscarriage.

So, it seems like I always find my way back to this blog when my life is upside down. And it is truly upside down right now. I think this blog helps me focus because it centers me back on weight loss. Which gives me some clear direction and a clear plan. Maybe it gives me a sense of being in control of at least one thing in my life. My current weight is the same as it was in March 2010. So, maybe as I recover from the D&C and miscarriage, I can refocus on weight loss and getting it down as much as possible before we start to try to get pregnant again.

But before I do that, I need to give myself just a few days of space. I have the D&C Thursday – from today until Saturday I will eat whatever I want. Cookies, cupcakes – whatever I want. And I will do it guilt free. And after that, I will refocus. I’m going to try to keep blogging – it’s another thing that helps me focus and feel in control.

Until next time….

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