It’s over. It’s done. No amount of energy or anything else I put into it is going to change that. I think I have accepted that. I had a really hard time cutting off the hospital bracelet from the surgery. For whatever reason, that felt really symbolic to me. Like, that was the final piece that meant it really was over.
I am struggling to find the balance of what is an acceptable amount of sadness and what is wallowing. I’m struggling with how to start to move on without just shoving emotional shit under the carpet. Which I am really good at, but it usually comes back and kicks my ass a few years later.
So, I am trying weight loss as my new focal point. I am exactly the same weight I was this time last year. In April of last year I was at my lowest weight in years. With a little bit of work, I could be there again this year. Which would put me in a good place for trying to get pregnant again.
We are going to try again. The OB gave me birth control pills and my RE agreed that I can take them. This should get me on a regular cycle quickly. My RE said I need to have one regular cycle and then we can try again. It does help to have a plan. Hopefully my body cooperates with the birth control pills and the cycle happens as it should and we can move again.
When we tried getting pregnant in April of last year, we did – on our first try. I miscarried that one, too. But I know I am capable of having a baby – I have had one. So, we will try again. That process isn’t easy either, but if it works, it’s worth it.
Maybe I need to set some daily goals that are more bite size pieces to give me some guidance on what I feel like I want to do in a given day – so I feel like I am accomplishing something. Ok, that’s my new plan – daily goals.
Today’s goals are 2. 1) finish the Girl Scout cookies I bought yesterday so they are out of the house and I feel like I have had my fill of them. Throw away whetever is not finished at the end of the day. 2) Take Colton to the park and play with him. These two hit on the things i feel like are important right now – losing weight and focusing on my kid and being a better mom than I have been for the past 2 weeks.