It has been a long time since I posted here, but I thought it was time to write again.
I went to a baby shower. It’s the first one I have gone to since I had my first miscarriage and all of the subsequent….experiences. I was remarkably ok. There were no games, it was very low key. And I was ok. I was nervous about how I would handle it, and I handled it just fine. Maybe that means I am finally moving past all of this. Or at least moving on with my life in a meaningful way.
There have been other changes, some seem so small, but they make me feel like my life is not stagnant. Which is what I have been wrestling with. I couldn’t get pregnant and that’s all I wanted, and everything else just seemed to stagnate along with that. But things have changed. I have had job offers – 2 actually. For good jobs. Jobs with Big Titles and big responsibilities. And I have turned them both down. (With good reason). I got a substantive raise (reference good reason previously mentioned). I got a new car. And that made such an impact – I’ve been driving the same old car since 2005, but somehow having a new car made me feel like life moves ahead. I’m not stuck where I was in 2005. I had no idea a shiny new toy would have such a big psychological impact. I started working out with a trainer twice a week, and while I haven’t lost a lot of weight, I am stronger. So much stronger. And he’s awesome at helping me reflect and pushing me on things when I am ready to be pushed and not sooner. He has taught me how to work harder than I ever have, and how to be kind to myself when I fail. That’s a big lesson. I’m still working on it.
That being said, I haven’t given up the notion of having another baby. I have found a known donor to work with. He ships me sperm each cycle, which I inseminate at home myself, and we see if it works. We’ve only been through one cycle, and I spilled half of the “goods” before I got the insemination done. I also think I was a day late. Chances of this working are about the same as a snowball’s chance in hell, but it somehow brings me peace to be trying in such a low stress manner.