Monthly Archives: January 2014



It has been a long time since I posted here, but I thought it was time to write again.

I went to a baby shower.  It’s the first one I have gone to since I had my first miscarriage and all of the subsequent….experiences.  I was remarkably ok.  There were no games, it was very low key.  And I was ok.  I was nervous about how I would handle it, and I handled it just fine.  Maybe that means I am finally moving past all of this.  Or at least moving on with my life in a meaningful way.

There have been other changes, some seem so small, but they make me feel like my life is not stagnant.  Which is what I have been wrestling with.  I couldn’t get pregnant and that’s all I wanted, and everything else just seemed to stagnate along with that.  But things have changed.  I have had job offers – 2 actually.  For good jobs.  Jobs with Big Titles and big responsibilities.  And I have turned them both down.  (With good reason).  I got a substantive raise (reference good reason previously mentioned).    I got a new car.  And that made such an impact – I’ve been driving the same old car since 2005, but somehow having a new car made me feel like life moves ahead.  I’m not stuck where I was in 2005.  I had no idea a shiny new toy would have such a big psychological impact.   I started working out with a trainer twice a week, and while I haven’t lost a lot of weight, I am stronger.  So much stronger.  And he’s awesome at helping me reflect and pushing me on things when I am ready to be pushed and not sooner.   He has taught me how to work harder than I ever have, and how to be kind to myself when I fail.  That’s a big lesson.  I’m still working on it.

That being said, I haven’t given up the notion of having another baby.  I have found a known donor to work with.  He ships me sperm each cycle, which I inseminate at home myself, and we see if it works.  We’ve only been through one cycle, and I spilled half of the “goods” before I got the insemination done.  I also think I was a day late.  Chances of this working are about the same as a snowball’s chance in hell, but it somehow brings me peace to be trying in such a low stress manner.

No regrets.