Ok, I’ve been IUI’d.  I’ve had many of these, but this one was a bit uncomfortable.  And as usual, I have my incredibly painful ovulation, so I know I ovulated.  I can’t generally move much for at least 24 hours after I ovulate.  So, eggs released, good sperm count put in.  Now we wait.  The hypnotherapist says I should think frequently, “I intend that this will be the time that I get pregnant.”  She’s pretty experienced in working with people dealing with fertility challenges.  She posits that the pessimism and lack of hope that comes with being this far along in the process, can be detrimental, and this type of mental mantra allows you to redirect your thought process without trying to manufacture some false sense of hope or optimism.  Ok, well, no harm, I can do this.  Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t…but it surely doesn’t hurt.

I was thinking a little more about hypnotherapy today.  I like that I don’t have to sit there and talk and deal with my shit with someone.  This just gets right in there and tries to solve shit by altering thinking patterns to change behavior.  There’s something kind of nice about that.

Relax, Relax, Relax

IUI tomorrow morning.  I have 4 follies.  I wanted more.  I wanted 6 or 8.  But, we got 4, so we go forth and hope for the best.

I started hypnosis.  It’s a bit new agey, so if you can’t be down with new agey stuff, I’m not sure how well this would go for you.  At least the hypnotherapist I am going to is fairly new agey, I can’t say if it’s all that way.  I had to really force myself to be open to this because I am a skeptic, and then I heard some of the things she was saying to help bring me into hypnosis, it was a challenge to keep at it.  Things like “Wisdom Center, allow her to remove obstacles from reaching her goals” – I had a bit of a hard time with it at first.  But I told myself to stay open to it, and I did.  I have had 2 sessions, and both were different experiences.

The first session, I was excited and interested, and then weirded out by the new age stuff.  But, after just accepting that for what it is, I did relax.  I heard and was aware of everything the hypnotherapist said, although afterwards I could not recall some of it.  I just know for sure I did hear it and it was all in line with what I am wanting to do here in terms of weight loss and calming and stress reduction around all of the fertility stuff.  I recall feeling heavy in my legs, and in my chest – a bit of a tingling feeling in the legs.  Then I recall calm, and her talking- but this is the part where I don’t recall what she said, and then she said to come back up, come back to the room and open my eyes.  And I know how weird this sounds, but it really did feel like coming back up into my head.  The only other time I had a similar mental feeling was when I was in childbirth, natural – no meds – and I was there and aware of everything, but mentally I was not in the room until something caught my attention and it felt like mentally I was being pulled back to conscious awareness and participation in my life.

I was a bit taken aback by what a powerful experience it was, and how unexpected that was.  And for the rest of the day, I was energized, rested, and I felt more mentally and emotionally buoyant.

The second session didn’t seem as easy for me.  I was really distracted by a garbage truck beeping outside, hearing my phone vibrate in my bag, etc.  I also had a small work crisis happening and had some difficulty getting my mind off of that.  But, at the same time, when those distractions came,  I could feel them pulling me mentally from a place of relaxation and quiet, to a noisier mental place.  So, I would guess that it still worked.   There was more guided imagery in this session than the first, and although at the time it was happening, I was certain I would recall everything she said, some of it is still hazy.  The real reason I think something was working right here is because I do recall her talking about a stress free insemination, a welcoming body, a healthy pregnancy, etc.  And anytime someone even mentions that about me, in my presence, I burst into tears.  But I didn’t – I didn’t cry.  And it wasn’t because I was biting back tears – it just didn’t happen.  So, while I can’t say for sure if I was hypnotized, I am led to believe that I probably was despite the distractions and the feeling that it was a bit harder than the first time.  I also left feeling more energized and light.

In terms of outcomes, it’s very hard for me to say if it’s working.  I happen to be having some major intestinal issues at the same time as the hypnosis started, so I am not sure some of my restraint is attributable to the hypnosis or to the intestinal issues.  Here’s what I can say:  there’s a big bag of jelly beans in my pantry and I have hardly touched them.  And that is unusual because I. Love. Jellybeans.  But I haven’t actively had to restrain myself from eating them, I just really haven’t wanted them.  When I do eat, my portion sizes have decreased significantly.  And not through any effort – I’m just not so hungry and food is less of a tasty joy than before.  So, maybe these are things I am seeing?  I sure wish I had a clean baseline to judge from and it wasn’t happening in conjunction with the intestinal issue.

I do, however, love the process of hypnosis.  I love acupuncture because it relaxes me, and the hypnotherapy appointments seem to do that at least three times better!  So,  I am going to keep going and see what happens next!

I just got home from an almost 2 week long business trip.  I was all over the place, and had a blast.  I got to spend some time with friends I only get to see once a year, and I got to relax.  Really, really just relax.  There was a plethora of drinking (which I NEVER do), and a plethora of laughing (also rare for me anymore).   This was the most jolting experience of coming home an coming back to real life that I’ve ever had after a trip.  I think it was a combination of the length of this trip (the longest I’ve ever been on) and what a great time and experience I had while I was away.

Yes, I was on injections – gonal f and lupron.  But they were just sort of asides.  Nothing that I gave much thought.  And I was quite drunk when I did several of the injections – which was interesting in and of itself.  I just didn’t worry about it.  My life was a whirlwind of fun, learning, and entertainment and I did not have time to be sad or stressed about my dysfunctional ovaries.  It was a fantastic respite from my regular life.

Sperm-Tastic!

Well, a piece of good news.  I know that doesn’t happen so often on this blog, but this is really good news.

A while back, on a donor sibling registry, I found a couple who used the same donor as us.  As a shot in the dark, I sent them an email to see if they had any extra vials available they would be willing to sell us. I was unsure if we would even get a response.  This was in the midst of dealing with the embryo people, so I was getting jerked around a lot.  But, they sent a very nice response saying they do have vials, but they aren’t sure if they want more kids, so they don’t think they want to part with them.  I thanked them for the consideration and moved on.  We picked a new donor.

I’ve been putting off ordering vials from the new donor because I just couldn’t being myself to do it.  And we still have some time – maybe it was the money holding me back.  Sperm-sicles are not cheap.  But, it turns out that this couple did some more thinking.  On Friday I got an unexpected email – they are willing to part with 2 vials at this time.  And they are only asking us to pay what they paid for it.  This means we get at least 2 more tries for a full genetic sibling – something we thought was no longer possible.  This is a really big deal for us.

And, they asked if we wanted to exchange photos of the children we both do have, just for curiosity sake since they have the same genetic father.  So, we also exchanged photos over the weekend and it was very cool to see similarities in their kids and mine.  Foreheads, eyes, mouths – so interesting.

These people are such a stark contrast to the embryo people.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the kick in the stomach.  And it never came.  I didn’t realize how sort of traumatized I was from the embryo people, until I talked to these folks (I really don’t want to refer to them as the sperm people…).  My anxiety at every email exchanged was tremendous.  But, they seem genuinely nice.  Such a welcome change!

Now we figure out how the logistics of this type of arrangement work and then we are headed towards an IUI the week of the 20th.

Practice Vagina

Dear Nurse Practitioner,

I know that you are learning and everyone has to start somewhere.  And apparently it was my misfortune to be in the office that day, at that time, with my own doctor running an hour behind.  So, I got to see you.  With the other doctor, and another nurse.  It was pretty much a party for my crotch.  Yay!

Nurse, you seem nice.  And as on OB Nurse, you are probably an expert.  But, ovaries and embryos live in different places in the body.  And I am not sure that you prying my knees farther and farther apart as I laid spread out on that table was going to help you find my ovaries any better.  (it, in fact did not help you.)  Also, a very important thing to remember when giving someone an internal ultrasound is that you aren’t just sticking that wand in a hole.  That is someone’s VAGINA.  The one that’s a part of their body.  All of your rolling and stretching and probing, crashing repeatedly into my cervix didn’t seem to phase you as abnormal.  But as someone who encounters The Wand on a bi-monthly basis, I can tell you, I’ve never had such an intense experience.  All of that adjusting, in and out, stretch this way push that way – well, I’ve had sex that wasn’t that active.  I’m just saying – it’s a VAGINA.  Treat it with respect.  And by proxy, treat me with respect.

That was certainly not the kind of “crotch party” a woman might hope for.  2 fully capable medical practitioners standing around your vagina peering in and coaching the noob at how to find ovaries.  For almost 15 solid minutes you were probing around in there.  I was a good sport – even though it was fairly degrading and sometimes painful.  But I am telling you that I won’t be next time.  Practice on someone not paying you $300 for what should be a 5 minute exam. (Were you trying to make sure I got my $300 worth?)

Find your own practice vagina – this one is mine.

Thanks.