Monthly Archives: March 2011

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Well, according to this morning’s weigh-in I have hit my goal of meeting last year’s weight before trying to get pregnant again. And I still have another solid week before we even have an ultrasound to see about starting again, which means I should be able to drop a little more weight if I keep vigilant. I am 10 pounds from being my lowest weight since 2003. I would LOVE to hit that weight.

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Malaise

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I’m sad today. Just generally sad. No mitigating factors, just sad. I guess there are good days and bad days in the mental recovery and this is one of the bad ones. It came out of nowhere. Actually, it didn’t come out of nowhere.

I found out this week that before we can TTC again, I have to wait until CD 22-25 of a new cycle. And despite the fact that I have finished my birth control pills, my body isn’t delivering me a new cycle. Which means I am still at least 22 days away from actively starting anything, and that’s from whenever my body decides to start a new cycle. Which means that it will likely be mid-May before we get another try.

The thought of moving on is part of what helped me cope. And now knowing we just have to keep waiting…well, I’m not handling it so well.

So, today I am sad.

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(Originally posted in weight loss blog)

 

I need to control variables so I can better determine what’s going on. My weight loss plateaued. At the time, I was both expecting my period AND eating very low calories. I always have a weight loss plateau the few days before my period, so I know that. But, because I also ate so few calories, everyone was telling me that I put my body in starvation mode.

So, rather than continue eating that level of calories and wait out my period, to see if that was the issue, i increased my calorie intake to 1200 a day. And I got my period. And I started losing weight again. SO – I didn’t control the variables so I don;t know which thing was the issue. I generally feel better on 1200 calories than 700, so i think i will stick with 1200 and see if I keep losing.

Whoa…I just had a crazy thought. I mean, I’m actually going to sound crazy here. For the past 3 weeks or so, I’ve been feeling pretty empty and emotionless about the miscarriage. Which has struck me as odd – I should be sad and feel something. Some sort of healing or sadness or anger or something. But I have been pretty numb. I haven’t felt anything about it – which I then felt was somehow odd. I wonder if my low calorie/borderline starvation has been an attempt to make myself feel something. Or to punish myself for not feeling anything. I mean, I have been hungry and I just would not let myself eat. I justified it in the name of weight loss, but I am beginning to think that I had ulterior motives against myself.

And that’s a lot of crazy to try to digest tonight.

Babyfest 2011

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So, April 15 is Babyfest 2011 at my office. It’s a joint baby shower for the 3 people there who are expecting. I’ve been working really hard on my mental recovery and I have come a long way. But, I have not come far enough to attend a baby shower that would have been for me too if I had not miscarried.

Starting Again

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I have about 4 more days of birth control pills and then we will be TTC again. I am terrified. Every other time the fear has been that we would try and try and try and not get pregnant. And I still have that fear. But added to that is the very real fear that we will get pregnant and we’ll lose it. I don’t have a shred of excitement left in me about the process. It’s grueling, tedious, emotional, and now with an extra level of worry. Yet, we will continue.

I have been doing fantastic with weight loss. I’ve lost 15 pounds since the miscarriage – which I found out about 31 days ago. So, 15 pounds in basically a month. And my blood sugars have stabilized tremendously in this amount of time as well. That’s all very good. On April 15 of last year, I was about 3.5 pounds lighter than I am now, which was the lightest I have been since like 2003. IF I kept this pace up, which may or may not be possible, I could be close to my 2003 weight by mid-April. This is a really aggressive pace though. I’m counting calories, watching carbs, being vigilant about the timing of when I eat, making sure I am getting enough protein, folic acid, and exercising in every spare minute I can come up with. It’s a very vigilant process. On the flip side, it gives me something healthy to focus on and I am seeing positive results, so that helps.

And the thing about losing weight is that my reproductive system starts to work better when I lose weight. I’m on birth control pills now and I’ll start taking hormones when we are TTC again, but if my own parts are inclined to cooperate and not be obstinate, this will all be easier. I hope.

I got pregnant last year in April, on our first try, at 3.5 pounds lighter than I am now. I miscarried early, but I got pregnant. That’s step one. You have to succeed in step one for step 2, not miscarrying, to come into play. And I am doing everything humanly possible to make sure my body is as healthy, non-toxic, and whole as it can be for when I get pregnant again. That is to facilitate step 2.

Emotionally, I think I am doing better than expected at this point. I attribute that to several factors. One being my own willingness to try to deal with this in emotionally healthy ways. Another being the tremendous outpouring of love and support I have had from friends. Another being my wife, who had her moments in the beginning, but turned into the supportive partner I needed her to be. Another being how busy I have been at work and my trip to DC. Lots of things came into play and helped me work through what I hope was the worst of it.

I still have my moments, to be sure. And I generally feel like a different person in some ways – like this has changed a part of me permanently. But maybe with more time, that will be better, too. Maybe not. Right now I am just grateful for being in a better place physically and emotionally than I could have ever predicted a month ago.

The Ticker Works

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I finally saw the cardiologist today. I have to go back for a stress test and I have to wear a 24 hour halter monitor – as precautions. He feels that with that much data he can say for sure that everything is fine. I had an EKG today, which showed the arrhythmia, but it was so minor. And when he listened, he hardly heard it at all. So, while everything is probably just fine, I’ll go back in April and do the tests just to be sure.

Job Perils

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Being a family photographer seems like such a benign job.  But, i had my first newborn photo session since the miscarriage today. I was very worried about how it was going to go, but I was remarkably fine. I’m having a much harder time with pregnant women than newborns….

Appreciation

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Today I got a package. A friend made me a pillow. The card said, “Something soft for when shit gets hard.” One of the best sentences ever written. I love it. And the timing was perfect because it arrived the day of my D&C post-op. The day I had set for myself as a benchmark that by this day, I should have some notable improvement mentally from the miscarriage. And I did. And this was a sort of tangible thing that helped me really feel like the healing is real.
It hit home today how much love has come my way since this all happened. People, both near and far, have gone out of their way to be there for me. To be thoughtful, to be loving, to be good friends. Each act of kindness taken on its own has been meaningful and appreciated, but today when I sort of finally thought of them all together, as a whole big batch of love – it was a little overwhelming. In a good way.

Post Op

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I had my post-op visit with the OB today. Since I didn’t have any bleeding issues, there was no physical exam. She talked to me for a while. The results from the genetic testing are not back. There was very little left they could use for genetic testing, but what information she had back said there were some immature chorionic villi and that the results were still pending. She said she would let me know when she had any information. She also reminded me that the results might be inconclusive and we may never know.

She was very kind and talked to me about things I should do between now and TTC again. She also made some suggestions for things we might do next time around that “may or may not help, but definitely won’t hurt”. She said she doubts any of those things caused this or my last miscarriage, but that for peace of mind and any proactive benefit we might get, we can do those things. She also said that she’ll see me earlier and more frequently next time.

So, overall, it was a good visit and I have decided to stick with this OB for next time. I have 9 more days of active birth control pills, then theoretically AF will arrive and then we’ll be TTC again. Weight loss is on track. Blood sugar…well, I’m not sure…I think it’s on the high side of ok. I get that checked Monday. I’ve also added wheatgrass to my diet. Right now in the smoothies, but as soon as I get a grass juicer, I’ll do wheatgrass shots several times a day. I also need to plant several flats of wheatgrass if I want to maintain that. I won’t be able to afford it otherwise.

Today’s smoothie: banana, 1/8 pineapple, blueberries, strawberries, red chard, spinach, chia seed gel, hemp milk. I need more variety in these pretty soon.

Last week I made way too much smoothie so I froze the rest into popsicles for my son. I told a friend that I’m the best mom EVER because I made my kid popsicles with spinach and arugula – and he LOVES them. She said it either makes me the best mom ever…or the worst.

Real Life

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I’ve returned home from what turned out to be a very, very good trip to Washington DC. Sometimes seeing one of your oldest and closest friends is the perfect thing to help you feel less shitty. I didn’t even cry the whole time I was gone until she dropped me off at the airport today and then it was brief – I was just really appreciating that she had come to see me and I got all emotional.

I have my post-op from the D&C tomorrow. I haven’t been back to the OB office since we had the ultrasound when we found out the heart had stopped. I am nervous as hell about going back to that office. I know it will be fine, but you know how you associate bad experiences with certain places? That’s the deal with this.

I am worried that I have emotional shit going on that I’m not dealing with. I have had severe intestinal issues since a few days after the surgery. I hadn’t thought much about them being related to potential mental issues until this morning. For the first time since the surgery, the issues improved yesterday. Which was the one full day I was away. This morning, the problem was back, with a vengeance. My friend pointed out that it could be attached to nerves. At that exact moment, I was incredibly relaxed and I didn’t think that was the case. But truly, in hindsight, I had a lot of underlying anxiety of coming home and getting back to real life.

Real life.