Monthly Archives: May 2011

You Always Know

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I was 90% sure going into today that the outcome would be what it was. When I was going to bed last night, I had the striking thought that I knew deep down I was going in today to schedule a D&C. After so many pregnancies, you get to know your body and how it feels. You get to recognize the changes and alterations and you also know when those are feeling less pregnant. I knew. I couldn’t accept it until I had a certain answer – until I had seen it. But I did know deep down.

Which is maybe why today isn’t as hard as it could have been. I’ve been grieving for weeks already. Today just confirmed all of that grief had a place in my life. I’m not starting right now experiencing the loss.

We have a plan for going forward. I’ll have a recurrent pregnancy loss work-up a few weeks after the D&C. Barring any significant negative results from those tests, we will keep trying. But we will likely try IVF this time. They can do preimplantation genetic diagnosis to make sure any embryos that go in do not have chromosomal abnormalities. Which is likely the root of my miscarriages, so if we know going in they are genetically ok, then we are light years ahead of where we have been.

It was hurry up and wait to see if you are pregnant. Then it was hurry up and wait to see if it was viable. Now we have to wait for the D&C. Tehn we have to wait for the testing, then we have to wait some more to get future cycles started. If my estimates are correct, it could be mid-August before we get another try.

The waiting kills me.

Insanity

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Ok – tomorrow is the ultrasound. Gotta get through today.  I don’t have high hopes for tomorrow. And that’s true to some extent. I’m really trying not to let myself have hope. I have failed of course, how can you not hope? Hope is a bitch sometimes. So, I at least try to keep the hope minimal. And I want to keep her hope minimal because I feel responsible for her sadness and disappointment every time this happens. And I shouldn’t and we both know it’s not my fault – but I do feel like I am failing and she wouldn’t be hurting if it weren’t for me. So, I am trying to keep her expectations low in case things go badly tomorrow – maybe the fall won’t be so hard.

I’m just driving myself crazy. Every little thing gets to me. My boobs seem a little less sore, shit. But, oh! The painfully tired existence is back, great! Oh, I feel like I am gonna hurl – that’s a good sign! But wait, what if it’s all in my head and I don’t feel that way at all? What is I’m just hoping to feel that way and by proxy, am making myself feel that way? Regardless of the outcome, there will be some relief in knowing something tomorrow.

There are certainly outcomes that would still result in uncertainty. For example, the fetus grew, but no heartbeat can still be located. That means another week of uncertainty and check again next week. And then if it didn’t grow and there’s no heartbeat, we’ll have to decide whether to wait again or have the D&C. Maybe it did grow and has a heartbeat, but the heartbeat is too slow – another week of uncertain waiting and check again next week. So, I guess there’s no magic certainty coming tomorrow, although I am hoping, hoping, hoping that we get some kind of more stable idea of what’s going on. This is completely exhausting.

Stay Busy. Just Stay Busy.

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Staying so busy at work today really helped the time pass more quickly. Not so much time to think. Not so much time to test my boobs every 5 seconds and see if they still hurt as much or maybe not as much. Are my boos still as big or have they gone down a little? Am I nauseous or is it in my head? Am I exhausted? Are the signs getting weaker? This waiting game is definitely crazy-making. Even though I am not letting myself have total freak outs now, which helps, I’m still driving myself crazy. Today though, I was pretty much in back-to-back calls and meetings all day and I was getting a lot accomplished. It helped to have so many people needing my attention and input. I stayed occupied.

Tomorrow is not such a busy day. But fortunately tomorrow is the last day we have to get through before we have the follow up ultrasound to see if there is a heartbeat.

Atonement

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(Originally posted in weight loss blog)

 

I’ve been thinking a bit more and I think I want to explore the idea of food and eating as a kind of self punishment. I’ve explored using food as comfort and eating emotionally, but my crazy thought the other day about using food as a punishment ended up being really resonant with me as I gave it more thought.

I generally think of myself as eating for comfort when I overeat or eat foods I know are loaded with sugar. But when I really think about it, I am not feeling comforted by the food. Eating the food makes me feel guilty. Eating the food reinforces my low self esteem. It reinforces my sense of not being able to control my life. And then once those feelings kick in, I just keep eating because I have given up on myself. I eat to punish myself for being less of a person. I eat to punish myself for having low self esteem, for being out of control. I eat to punish myself for being fat.

And in the context of this realization, I was doing exactly the opposite. I was starving myself. Which is definitely a new one for me. I’ve never done that before. I went through an emotional trauma and I stopped eating because of anguish – I just couldn’t make myself eat. But, as the healing progressed, I still didn’t eat. At first it was because I was losing weight and I liked that, and I still didn’t feel very hungry. But as I got hungrier and hungrier, I continued to starve myself.

Again, I think there were some control issues here. The miscarriage was not in my control – but there is a part of me that still believes it could have been something I could have prevented. I know intellectually that’s not true, but emotionally, I cannot let go of it. So, from that standpoint, I was doing whatever it takes to lose weight before we try this again because weight is an issue. But, that ties into guilt. And if some part of me believes that there was anything in my behavior, being, etc. that played into that miscarriage – starving myself is an effective punishment for letting that happen. It hurts me pretty continuously and it works to achieve results I believe necessary to prevent that from happening again. And there’s a part of me that feels like a failure as a woman – I’ve lost two babies in a year. What is wrong with me that I cannot carry out my biological mission – and accomplish something I want so very badly? The pain of starvation, I think, was a way of punishing myself for being inadequate. God, what an unhealthy thought process.

None of this is done consciously. It’s the just-under-the-surface motivations. But, my hope is that if I can become conscious of them, if I can understand them, understand where they are coming from and why I do these unhealthy things, I will be able to learn to alter my behavior in more permanent ways. It’s also a little disconcerting to realize how effed up my thought processes and self image truly are.

More Observations

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Observation: Low back pain and achey hips. Don’t know what it means. Last m/c I had AWFUL low back pain that coincided with the time the baby’s heart would have stopped. Not drawing any conclusions or making judgments this time, just observing.

Frankly, I am trying to keep myself from getting excited because this only has a 50% chance and the longer it lasts the more comfortable I get with the idea and the worse it’s going to be if it falls into the other 50%.

Observations

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Today’s observations: boobs still sore, but maybe not as much? Can’t tell. Tired again, but not as much. Intestinal issues hit full force. Passing waves of nausea. Smell of scrambled eggs almost made me hurl on the kitchen floor this morning. Starving with no appetite at the same time. No spotting of note.

Since I can’t stop thinking about it, I have to just write it down somewhere so maybe I can clear my mind a little. Again, I am trying very hard not to interpret, just observe.

No Roller Coasters Here Today

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Not a freak out, just an observation. Last time I had my miscarriage, right around the time they said the baby’s heart had stopped beating, in hindsight, I could see that some of the pregnancy symptoms had started disappearing. It wasn’t obvious to me at the time, but I can see it in hindsight. The first major thing was my exhaustion faded. Suddenly I was able to stay up until 11 PM again without having to hold my eyes open.

Tonight is the first time since I got pregnant this time around that I have been able to stay up this late without feeling like death. Just an observation. It could be because I slept SO much over the past 4 days. Or, it could be a real observation about changes. I’m not interpreting it (see how I am trying to not be roller coastery and maintain my sanity?) – I am simply observing and recording.