This Shit’s About to Get Real

I am fairly sure that this didn’t work again.  I still have sore breasts, but they are less sore than they were.  And I still have the zit on the jawline.  Those things always mean it didn’t work.  Today is 12 DPO, which means I could have tested, but there were numerous reasons that I didn’t.

First – we got home form our trip last night to a sick dog.  So much dog diarrhea.  So much.  She went twice in the car on the way home from the kennel and she just had no control.  So much cleaning and dog washing.

Second, going back to work after vacation is hard enough without a confirmed negative weighing on me.

Third, I thought I could wait it out and see if I just got my period or until after Thanksgiving, so I didn’t have to deal with the reality of it.

 

But, here we are and I have decided to test tomorrow.  I am not sleeping well because of the anxiety.  With the breast tenderness decreasing, I am sure that it’s just the estrogen/progesterone suppositories causing any remaining tenderness.

This is like staring into the abyss.  I know I’ve been talking about it being near the end of the line for this for almost a year now.  But now it’s really here.  Peeing on that stick is so much bigger than just another negative.  This is the negative for the rest of my life.  And that’s, well, that’s why I have been trying not to test.  Really.  There is such a permanence to this that it makes me sick.  I have read that people are at peace with this when they get here, but I am not at peace with it.  It’s not ok with me.  And that does not matter.   Because as soon as that stick gives the answer, reality is reality and I have to live with it.    Forever.

I know I said I am giving myself a 6 month time frame to revisit.  But I know the reality is that The Wife is done and that’s it.  I can revisit it in 6 months, and she wouldn’t outright stop me, but she certainly wouldn’t support it either.   So, this really is like staring a speeding train in the face.  And it’s time to just get it over with.  So, I’ll test tomorrow.  I acknowledge that there’s chance all of this angst is for nothing and there could be a miracle tomorrow – but I have too much history to really think tat could happen.

10 DPO and 3rd day in Disneyland.  I am coming to realize this cycle probably failed too.  I am starting to feel the first signs of a zit on my jawline and my boobs are hurting increasingly bad.  All signs of the fertility apocalypse.   And I’m blogging this from Disneyland  while the family rides a ride not safe for expectant mothers.  Just in case.   Suck.

All Spermed Up

That’s right…. I’ve been spermed up.  Now we wait.  At least the timing is good so that I will not find out until after my family vacation to Disneyland next week.  Don’t want that ruined.

I would like to say here what a different experience I have had at this clinic.  My other clinic was full of warm, caring people – and I appreciated all of them.  That’s why I stayed so long.

But here, I have so much data.  And they are warm, kind, and caring – but they are also full of information and proactive!  In 2.5 years, I have never had a doctor or nurse ask me what my plans were if my cycle failed.  Until now – this doctor asked me right away so she could be ready, the nurses could be ready and they could come up with a plan for me.   Of course, this is it.  There’s nothing else – but the official word is that we are taking a 6 month break.  So, that’s what I told her.  I can’t see the wife supporting me doing this again.  Even if I really want to.  I suppose my hope is that in 6 months, I won;t want to.  But we will see how it goes.

I wish I could afford just one more IVF…just one more.  At the new clinic, where they do it differently.  I feel like I could be more at peace walking away if I could do that.  but money doesn’t grow on trees, and I don’t have any family I could borrow it from.   Or embryos – hey universe – I’m still hoping for some donated embryos!

And maybe, I suppose there’s an infinitesimal chance, that this will work, and that conversation won’t ever have to happen.  But I have had enough failure to know that my chances are exceedingly slim.

So, here we go.  It’s wait time.  Now to focus on Disneyland….

 

3 follicles.  One bigger than the other 2.  It’s interesting – in every cycle where I have added Menopur, it has slowed down and reduced the number of follicles.  But ok – we have 3.  Ovidrel tonight, IUI on Wednesday.

The clinic is not satisfied with the cystic fibrosis blood results I took them today.  I am concerned about the new bloodwork not coming in before Wednesday.

 

In My Absence…

Wow – what a crazy several weeks.  It’s been hard to keep up with everything.

So, to get you current to this exact moment on the fertility front: I am reaching the end of my last IUI.  My last attempt at pregnancy.  150 IU/day follistim.  Ganirelix and Menopur round out the daily injections.  Since last Monday, I’ve had 3 ultrasounds and 4 blood draws.  Looks like 4-5 follicles might make it to the end.  We did the sperm vial hand off – picked it up from the old clinic and delivered it to the new in a cooler full of dry ice.  I also had to dig out my cystic fibrosis genetic screening from 2005 because this clinic requires it.  And my mush brain screwed up the blood draw for it – I’ve had so much happening that I apparently gave the lab the wrong lab slip and I never actually had a CF blood draw last week – when I thought I did.

So, my next ultrasound is tomorrow morning.  I would imagine shortly after this, I’ll be ready for the IUI and we’ll trigger with Ovidrel for that.  So, some different things this time.  Bloodwork, more monitoring, ganirelix, ovidrel – all different.  We’ll see if it works.

It’s also been a period of incredible ups and downs.  When I last posted, I was mentally in the best place I’ve been in a long time.  I was exercising 6 days a week and on a strict diet.  I was happy, and felt better about myself than I had in a long time.  I was loving my daily routine and really enjoying my trips to the gym.  And that shit just fell apart.  One night, The Wife and I got in a HUGE….fight is the wrong word, but also the right word.  It was terrible.  And then I went out of town.  Nothing was any better when I came back.  Several days passed and it didn’t get any better.  I was beginning to think that this might be the end and started half heartedly trying to figure out what happens next.  Then there was another blow out.  As much as it sucked,  that one actually seemed to move things forward and improve things some.  Things have been improved since then.  But, a few things came out of all of this.  First, The Wife is done with all of this fertility stuff.  She’s done, over it, and ready to stop and move on after this cycle.  Like it or not, our finances are with her, so I don’t have a choice in the matter.  But, I kept the door open to revisit this in 6 months.  We agreed on that – even though it was somewhat reluctant on her part.

The other thing that came out of it was that it ruined my diet, exercise routine, and everything that felt good.  This solid week of fighting and silence was just like getting  beat up over and over – and it exhausted me mentally and physically.   And it took everything I had to get up and go to work and come home everyday.  Everything else was extra and I couldn’t manage it.  I lost all of the good feeling, excitement, and drive I had.  And now I am just tired all the time and it’s incredibly hard to find whatever it was that was giving me that motivation and drive before.  And that makes me sad.

So, that’s the update.  I am going to call the hypnotherapist and see if I can get a follow up appointment to help me get things back on track.  I am generally more optimistic about this IUI than I have been in a while, although I am more than aware that my chances for success are not good, given my history.