(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I’ve been realizing more and more lately that the last two years of miscarriages and fertility treatments have left me broken. I’ve been fighting being broken, but in reality, I’ve just been in denial. I’m changed. Maybe forever. Actually, for sure forever. And it’s not over yet. And I don’t know what that means for how this proceeds. For how I get unbroken. How can you even begin to figure out how to put the pieces back together when what’s left of you is still teetering on the edge and you know there are still strong winds ahead?

I know I am sounding like an angsty teenager, but I am in rough shape these days. Perhaps I just need my medication dose increased to help numb me back up again. I’m back in recluse mode. I rarely, if ever, see friends. I work my life away because I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t have much to say about anything and I even bore myself. Perhaps I will try to get the dose of the meds increased.

Cut Off

Last night I dreamed that I was at the fertility clinic and I had to have both legs amputated at the knee. There’s more than a little symbolism in that dream.

Freezy Babies

We had 5 make it to Day 5 blastocyst stage. 5, out of two rounds of IVF. Only 2 were far enough along to do the genetic testing, so we decided not to do it. Makes me nervous, but that was a lot of money to throw at testing 2. Almost enough to pay for another IVF cycle if necessary. And Lord, I hope it’s not necessary.

2 and Broke

I’ve now been through 2 cycles of IVF and have spent our entire life savings on this. The fertilized eggs were frozen after the first cycle, then thawed after my recent cycle and the fertilized eggs from both cycles are being grown out to Day 5 blastocysts. I know it only takes one, but after 2 IVF cycles and $28,000 in uncovered medical expenses – we only have 11 that made it to the 3 day stage. I expect a call tomorrow to find out how many made it to Day 5. I am very nervous that all of this money and heartache, physical pain, etc. will all be for nothing. I just keep trying to remind myself that it only takes one…

 

(Originally posted in LJ)