Monthly Archives: May 2010

Home Again

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

Returning from vacation hasn’t been easy – it was just so damn wonderful in Maui.  C. slept in a big old king size bed with us, there was a lot of snuggling.  A lot of fun, snorkeling, boat rides, swimming, etc.  Just all around a good time.

It was also really effective in helping me take my mind off of some pretty intense emotional stuff I have had going on regarding the miscarriage.   Hopefully the respite was exactly what I needed to become more capable of coping with this.  So far, so good.

Confirmed

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

My miscarriage was confirmed yesterday.  Last Thursday my HCG was 491.  Yesterday it was 285.  And I am bleeding heavily and consistently.  Now all I can do is wait for the bleeding to stop.  I have more blood work the first week of June to make sure my HCG levels are back down to zero.  If not, I may need a D&C to complete the process.  I am hoping we do not have to go down that road.

Over.

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I woke up with heavier bleeding than I have had yet. And it slowed down a little bit for a while, but now I am cramping and bleeding bright red pretty consistently…not super heavy, but heavy enough. I suppose if I just bleed it all out, I can avoid the trauma of a D&C. Which would be good – not only do I fear putting my body through that, but I am not sure how I would handle it emotionally.

I am waiting for the results of this morning’s blood test. I had been somewhat hopeful, but now I am not. Now I just want to make sure this is not ectopic. Which we won’t find out from a blood test – I’ll need an ultrasound to determine that. Nature is cruel to put women through this.

Someone said to me, “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.” I wanted to respond with “Fuck you.” But I did not. IF I believed in God, I would not believe that God wanted women to experience their babies dying inside of them. Period. God would not intentionally inflict this on anyone. Which further reinforces my atheism. Nature is nature and we all experience nature as it happens – in terms of evolution, physics, chemistry, etc.  Nature is not a compassionate overseer.  We are not a chosen species.   We just understand intellectually on a higher level what is happening in our worlds. The end. So, science and nature and the way things work are what caused this miscarriage. God did not kill my fetus….and if you would be inclined to believe in a God who WOULD orCOULD kill a fetus, perhaps you should rethink your religion.  So, I’ll thank you not to tell me about God knowing I could handle this before he gave it to me.

All I can do now is keep waiting and bleeding.

(Incidentally, I realize this post sounds somewhat opposed to my views on abortion.  Because I do believe a woman should have the right to choose whether she carries out a pregnancy or not.  But when a pregnancy is terminated, by no action or choice of the woman, it becomes a different scenario, with different feelings attached.)

Hanging On to False Hope

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

Because nothing is 100% yet, I continue to find ways to convince myself that I haven’t miscarried. One minute I give in to the idea, the next I have 20 reasons that I might still be pregnant. Certainly desire can be a significant motivator for one to lie to herself. But you see, the reasons are not totally unreasonable. 1) I never had heavy bleeding – never as heavy as a period. 2) My last bloodwork – the HCG did not double every 48 hours in the last bloodwork, but it did double every 72 hours. And that’s an acceptable rate based on almost everything I have read. 3) The bleeding has almost stopped. It’s light spotting now. 4) Could it be a vanishing twin? I know I had 2 follicles, thus the potential of two babies. I have read a lot of accounts sounding just like mine that were vanishing twins. I guess tomorrow is the day that I’ll get some more solid information and will have to face this, no matter how much it sucks. I expect another set of HCG results tomorrow afternoon. No matter how you cut the numbers, my HCG needs to be over 1500 tomorrow.

Miscarriage

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I never imagined that I would have a miscarriage. I don’t suppose anyone does. I also never had any idea how profound the pain could be from losing a child that isn’t alive yet, that isn’t viable outside of my body, that is there, but for all tangible purposes, only in concept. It’s incredible how this being that you cannot see, hear or even feel yet, can carve out a place in your life, your future, your emotions. And then you lose that child. You lose the concept. You physically go through the process of miscarriage, which can be traumatic on and of itself. But suddenly you have this hole in your life, your future, your emotions – this hole that was created and then filled by the idea of the child you were carrying. The child that was becoming a part of you already, a part of your life. And it’s gone.

And you are bleeding, physically. And then you realize you are bleeding emotionally, too. And I just keep wondering how so much can happen so quickly. In the span of 2 months, I was pregnant – my whole future changed and a new level of light and excitement and possibility entered my world – and then was gone. In 2 months.

And I feel like this is really morbid and gross, but I keep wondering – what was the exact moment that those cells came out of my body? What was the exact moment, that I didn’t know I was flushing away the cells that would have been my baby. The moment when there was no more hope, but I didn’t know, so I kept grasping for anything that might give me some small piece to hang onto.

We didn’t tell anyone we were trying to have another baby because it took so long last time and we didn’t want to have to answer questions about it as we went through the process. And now I am more glad than ever because I can’t look the world in the face and have them not knowing what to say, how to react, how to be around me. I don’t want the discomfort that comes from others not knowing how to express their grief for you, their sympathy.

It is a little hard though, to go through this, and be so profoundly impacted at every level of physical and mental being – without being able to talk to my friends. Without being able to share with them why I am so distant and so sad. That is hard.

This has me thinking about the many roles of women and the many things women must endure in life – that men will never experience. It’s an interesting thing to think about and when it’s not so raw and fresh, I may ponder this subject even more.

Not Good News

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

My blood test results came back yesterday and they were not good. Last Thursday my beta was 114. Yesterday it was 491. It should have been around 900. I am bleeding a little more today as well. I think I am becoming more certain this pregnancy is not going to stick. I wish it would just be done though if that’s what is going to happen. Every day, every minute that it’s still doing this, I still hold onto some hope even though I know I shouldn’t.

I went to my General Practitioner today. The RE isn’t having me do another blood test until Monday and I wanted one tomorrow. So, I went to my GP and asked her to order one. She agreed so I should have more numbers tomorrow. What I want is 100% certainty. If my numbers are not around 800 tomorrow, that gives me the certainty I need. Then I’ll get another test on Monday and do what needs to be done to get through the rest of the miscarriage quickly.

I really had no idea it would be this hard to go through a miscarriage this early in pregnancy. But it is.

Pregnancy!

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

Well, found out last Thursday that I am pregnant. I got a positive blood test – my beta was 114 at 18 DPO. My RE office said that is a great result. We have decided not to tell anyone yet because we want to announce it as a surprise – after the first trimester is over.

Yesterday, Sunday, Mother’s Day, I started spotting. Today it has continued – earlier it was kind of heavy and worried me a lot. My RE has ordered more blood work when I get home on Wednesday to make sure HCG levels are increasing and the pregnancy is remaining viable. With as tired as I am, I think it is still going ok, but the bleeding has me very worried.

Tomorrow we fly home from Florida and I’ll get my blood test Wednesday morning. After that, if it looks ok, we’ll schedule my ultrasound for the end of May. Here’s hoping for a good blood test!