Fuck

(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

Well, against my better judgment, i took a pregnancy test tonight.  It’s a little early and I did it at night.  And you are supposed to do them in the morning.  Regardless, it came back negative.  And I think it must be right.  I’ve had so many PMS symptoms that if they were pregnancy signs, I should have gotten a positive.  I’ll test again in the morning to confirm, but it looks like another cycle out the window.  After this we have to take another month off so if by some apparently very slim chance I were to get pregnant, the baby would not share a birthday with anyone else in the family.

On the flip side, I’m also feeling very defeated about all of this.  It’s wearing on me.  Maybe I should just quit.  We have a great little boy.  I don’t know…I’m just sad tonight.  Every cycle that fails fires that miscarriage back into my brain and makes it hurt again.  Because that was the one time it worked and I lost it.    It’s too soon to completely give up hope for this cycle, but realistically, it’s probably over.

Me and This Blog (Sticky – Skip if You have Read This Already)

I’m a 30-something trying to have a baby.  I’ve been trying for a long time now and this blog is my outlet for all things joy and frustration.  Unfortunately, it tends to be more frustration than joy.  Most people in my “real life” don’t know about this blog, so if you do know about it, or stumble upon it and realize who I am – let’s just keep it our little secret, ok?  You can leave comments, or we can chat via email, but let’s not bring it up in front of others.  My anonymity in my real life facilitates my candor and allows me to just say whatever I want and need to say.

Read on for my most recent post…