I haven’t blogged in a long time. I needed to breathe. And walk away. And figure out how to move on with my life. Despite having no answers as to why, I concluded that I just cannot have more babies. Too many losses – perfect little embryos that should have turned into babies – and they tried – and my body just neglected them and never let them become. It was too much. The guilt, the heartbreak, the feelings of inadequacy…
A lot has happened, and this is the short version:
1. My wife and I almost got divorced
2. We didn’t. We got couples counseling instead. Which has been amazing. Our relationship is in the best shape it has been in in so many years.
3. I decided to never try to get pregnant again.
4. My wife decided that she would try. I am certain hell froze over that day…
5. We went through IVF, and my wife is 8 weeks pregnant.
6. With twins.
7. Shhhhhh! We aren’t telling anyone yet because it’s way too early. She’s just 8 weeks.
I got a new job that I start in 2 weeks. I will telecommute exclusively. I got a seat on a Board at a non-profit that is really dear to me. And I have twin babies on the way. Wow. That’s the short version.
We have another ultrasound Friday to make sure there are still two fluttery little heartbeats in there, and then the first real pre-natal appointment on Monday. So we should get to see those little heartbeats again.
I’m terrified to be excited. I’ve been through so many losses….the thought of being heartbroken over this again is terrifying. But, a dear friend said to me, “It will be no less devastating if you try to convince yourself that you are being cautious. Just enjoy what you have.” I’m taking that to heart.