It’s been a while since I posted. I needed to get out of my head for a while, and that meant not posting. It meant a lot of things, actually. But, i am back, and I think in a slightly better mental state.
Just an update on progress – we are in a FET cycle. I have 2 day 6 embryos. Transfer is tentatively scheduled for March 7, but due to work obligations I am going to have to back it up a day. Hopefully my clinic can work with me on that. In other news, I got a call today from the embryologist that some anonymously donated embryos have become available. We read the donor profiles and decided immediately to take them. I’ll fill out the paperwork tomorrow and then these will be available to us for our next transfer in the event that one or both of mine do not make the thaw. Over the past month there have been a lot of ups and downs with embryo donation, so I am just very glad this happened today. The embryologist said they were not expecting it, and that she and the doctor were thrilled and they called me pretty much the minute the donating couple walked out of the clinic having signed over the embryos to anonymous donation. This is a breath of fresh air and the first genuinely good news we have had in a while.
As I’ve been on my blogging hiatus, I’ve also been pulling my life back together. I went on vacation. I started applying for new jobs. I’m visiting my doctor to discuss lap band surgery. These are all things that have been completely on hold for 2 years now and I just decided that I have to start living my life again. I cannot remain in a state of suspended animation any longer. I also think the process of forcing myself to move forward with MY life, has helped me come to terms with and begin accepting the fact that we might not end up with a kid through this process. Certainly I haven’t completely accepted it, but I am trying very hard to see what life looks like on the other side of this.
It struck me as I was driving home from work yesterday, one of the reasons this has been so incredibly, mind blowingly, challenging for me is that I don’t fail. Like, at anything. And I don’t mean like winning the lottery. I mean, I set goals, I work hard for them. I invest myself completely in reaching those goals and I succeed. I bust my ass and I do it. And here I have busted my ass, invested everything, worked hard – and I might fail. I will probably fail. And that was a really odd, stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of realization for me. For the first time in my life, I might fail at something really important to me, and not through any fault of my own. It’s just life.
And the thought that sort of grew out of that is that my life might not turn out the way I planned it. And there might truly be nothing I can do about it. I don’t think I’ve ever actually entertained that thought that I might not actually be the master of my own destiny, for lack of a better way to put it. And this has been a hard, but necessary, pill to swallow.
So, my absence in the blogosphere has been an interesting and thought provoking time. And ultimately, it has also been a time of rejuvenation and revitalization of my life. Which I desperately needed.