Monthly Archives: February 2012



It’s been a while since I posted.  I needed to get out of my head for a while, and that meant not posting.  It meant a lot of things, actually.  But, i am back, and I think in a slightly better mental state.

Just an update on progress – we are in a FET cycle.  I have 2 day 6 embryos.  Transfer is tentatively scheduled for March 7, but due to work obligations I am going to have to back it up a day.  Hopefully my clinic can work with me on that.  In other news, I got a call today from the embryologist that some anonymously donated embryos have become available.  We read the donor profiles and decided immediately to take them.  I’ll fill out the paperwork tomorrow and then these will be available to us for our next transfer in the event that one or both of mine do not make the thaw.  Over the past month there have been a lot of ups and downs with embryo donation, so I am just very glad this happened today.  The embryologist said they were not expecting it, and that she and the doctor were thrilled and they called me pretty much the minute the donating couple walked out of the clinic having signed over the embryos to anonymous donation.  This is a breath of fresh air and the first genuinely good news we have had in a while.

As I’ve been on my blogging hiatus, I’ve also been pulling my life back together.  I went on vacation.  I started applying for new jobs.  I’m visiting my doctor to discuss lap band surgery.  These are all things that have been completely on hold for 2 years now and I just decided that I have to start living my life again.  I cannot remain in a state of suspended animation any longer.  I also think the process of forcing myself to move forward with MY life, has helped me come to terms with and begin accepting the fact that we might not end up with a kid through this process.  Certainly I haven’t completely accepted it, but I am trying very hard to see what life looks like on the other side of this.

It struck me as I was driving home from work yesterday, one of the reasons this has been so incredibly, mind blowingly, challenging for me is that I don’t fail.  Like, at anything.  And I don’t mean like winning the lottery.  I mean, I set goals, I work hard for them.  I invest myself completely in reaching those goals and I succeed.  I bust my ass and I do it.  And here I have busted my ass, invested everything, worked hard – and I might fail.  I will probably fail.  And that was a really odd, stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of realization for me.  For the first time in my life, I might fail at something really important to me, and not through any fault of my own.  It’s just life.

And the thought that sort of grew out of that is that my life might not turn out the way I planned it.  And there might truly be nothing I can do about it.  I don’t think I’ve ever actually entertained that thought that I might not actually be the master of my own destiny, for lack of a better way to put it.  And this has been a hard, but necessary, pill to swallow.

So, my absence in the blogosphere has been an interesting and thought provoking time.  And ultimately, it has also been a time of rejuvenation and revitalization of my life.  Which I desperately needed.



Tonight we go to the orientation meeting for foster adopt.  Even though it’s just informational and no commitment is required, it’s concrete.  And I am nervous about it.  And I feel like I am going to puke.

I am Mean


Oh Lord help me.  I have a hankerin’ to get up in someone’s face and blow off steam by having a pointless argument that I am bound to win because 1) it’s pointless  and 2) I’m right.  And an easy target just presented itself.   Someone who think she knows everything about everything, but who really just has a lot of strong opinions.  And it’s not political or anything – it’s totally pointless.

This is my call out to the universe:  give me the strength to not antagonize the intellectually inferior in an attempt to amuse myself and reduce my stress levels.


My kid did not dry drown last night and I did eventually get a little sleep.  Moment of crazy has passed.

In other news, I have a potential client looking for a maternity photo session.  As I’ve mentioned before, it has been over a year since I have done a maternity session and I really don’t feel ready to start doing them again yet.  I’ve been really stressed out about how to handle this.   So, last night I was typing out the situation to bounce off of a group of friends I talk to online and half way through typing, it was like a light bulb went off and I got this amazing clarity on the subject.

I don’t have to do maternity photography.  I do this as a hobby/job, so why should I do anything with it that is not fun for me?  I have a full time job that involves it’s fair share of “daily grind” – why would I put myself through that for my “fun” job?  Sure, I will do a maternity session for my long time client this spring, but that is actually starting to feel ok to me.  I know them and that makes it a little easier.

But, I don’t have to do this one.  And I don’t have to stress or be upset about it.  I can just say no.  Lessons from 3rd grade.  Just say no.

Previous Post


It’s going to be a long, sleepless, paranoid night. The kid choked on and inhaled some water during his bath tonight. He recovered quickly and was fine, but then my wife mentioned dry drowning and now I won’t sleep tonight. He’s in our bed and my paranoia will have me lying here listening to him breathe all night.

And before you say anything, I am not crazy. Well, maybe I am.  But at least I’m aware of it.


One of these days I am going to have to stop crying so much.  I only broke out into tears 3-4 times during my baseline today.  Only.

As it were, my baseline went really well.  Everything is quiet, he said my lining was already showing signs of the triple stripe, which is a good sign.  So, all of that being what it is, our next FET is scheduled for March 7.  That way I can go on my vacation this month and not have to worry about being in the doc’s office.

Today was the day I needed to sort out the issue of donor embryos.  That’s when it got emotional.  If ours don’t make the thaw, or if only one of ours makes the thaw, I wanted to use donor embryos to supplement.    So, my clinic has a stand alone donor embryo program, and if I understand it correctly, and I think I do, they create the embryos from donor sperm and donor eggs.  These embryos are available with no strings attached because the donors have no ties to them and are anonymous.  So, for a specified dollar amount, you can get into the program and have 3 FETs.  And that is the only way to access these embryos.  And I don’t have the specified dollar amount available to buy into that program, so we cannot go that route.

The other option for donated embryos is from couples who are donating the embryos they will not use after their successful IVF.  These have strings attached.  However, after some conversation, it appears that there might be a good match for us.  It looks like the issue right now might be making contact and getting all of the agreements in place prior to our March FET.  We may have to sit down in a room and meet the donating couple, but they are a same sex couple who used donor eggs and donor sperm, and I think the strings attached will be lesser than if it were their own genetic material.  Based on the conversation I had with the doctor today,  I actually think the strings would be more related to allowing the children (biological siblings) to meet later in life.  And we are very agreeable to that – later in life.  We already have to deal with the donor issue when it comes to sperm anyway, so this just adds another little twist.

It was in the course of these conversations with the doc, when I had to explain that we are out of money and cannot afford this anymore, that the tears started falling.  I kept apologizing – I HATE, and I mean HATE HATE HATE, crying in front of people.  Anyone.  I had to explain that we can’t afford another frozen transfer, so I need to make it happen this time.  And the he explained that if it just the cost of the frozen transfer that would be holding us back, that can be worked out.

Just so the world knows, if anybody has some embryos you aren’t looking to use, I’m accept donations.

So, in all, it was a good appointment.  I am disappointed that we cannot access the “no strings attached” embryos, but I do understand why.   I am SO emotional right now, and I’m not even on any hormones!  The world better watch out once I start Vivelle again.

Zip it


Here I sit, waiting for my baseline for the next FET. They are running an hour behind, so I’ll be sitting here for another 45 minutes at least.

There’s a group of cheerful women sitting in the waiting room with me. They are all clearly far earlier into IF treatment than me. They are excited and optimistic. And I am jaded, cynical and exhausted. And trying not to cry listening to all of that excitement that I do not have anymore.


For real, I am a basket case again.  This would be a good day to telecommute since I am pretty much living on the verge of tears.  And it’s not taking much to push me over the edge.  But, not feasible today.  So, today I have to figure out how switch it off.  And while I am typically pretty good at it, I am not good at it today.




I’m having a tough time tonight.  A friend is having her baby tomorrow.  And she went through a whole lot of hell to get this baby.  She deserves this baby – and I AM happy for her.  I am.  That’s the first time I’ve been able to say that with all honesty in a long time.  I’m never happy for anyone having babies anymore.  But I am happy for her.

And I’m also sad for myself.  I guess it just kicked me into emotional gear today.  She and I were both trying to get pregnant at the same time for quite a while and now I’m going to watch her have her baby and I still am not, and probably won’t ever be, pregnant.  In the time I have been trying to get pregnant, I have watched 10 friends get pregnant and have babies.  TEN.  It’s like I’m moving in slow motion in the midst of a world moving along in fast forward.   Meh.  It’s just a bad day.  I’m trying to start accepting that we are moving out of the “It’s possible we won’t get pregnant” phase into the “It’s likely we aren’t going to get pregnant” phase.  Some days I can handle that better than others.  Today is one of the others.