Distraction

I am trying to distract myself from the whole baby making process with running, diet, etc. I’m not having very good luck. I am also looking into grad schools – that would be a solid distraction for sure.

More Loss

(Originally posted in weight loss blog)

 

Well, I am back here, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I’ve had another personal crisis. Another miscarriage and another D&C. That makes 3 miscarriages in a year.

So, to pick up the pieces this time – in addition to my hard core dieting – I have decided to take up running. I started the Couch to 5 K program this week. I’m feeling obsessive about it – which is good. I need something healthy to obsess about.

Introvert

I’m feeling a bit more introverted today. After a run-in with a co-worker today, it just really set me back. I’ve been motivated and feeling upbeat about my job. But after today, meh. I’m disappointed. Workwise, it’s possible this could turn into something good in the long run, but for now I’m just….meh.

And you know, I struggle a lot just to keep my head above water, emotionally, these days. Christ, my performance review is on Thursday and I feel fairly comfortable that it will go fine, but what concerns me is that I am so damned emotional, I am not sure how I will react. Last year I got a stellar review and I still teared up.

I’m just feeling very introverted. i don’t really want to talk to people. I don’t really want to interact with people. I just want to sit and do my own thing. I want to write. A lot. And I want to read. A lot. And I want to run. And I want to hide. And I want to be left alone. And I want people to reach out to me and care that I’m feeling all fucked up.

I didn’t really have time to deal with this last miscarriage and D&C after it happened. I left the country less than a week later. Came home sick as hell and as soon as I felt a little better it was non-stop birthdays and building and baking and feigned happiness. This is the first time since the D&C that life is slowing down for a minute. And so it’s the first time that I just have to sit and contemplate my position in life.

This will pass. It’s a temporary bump in the road, but one thing I have learned in therapy is not to ignore the bumps in the road. You have to feel the bump and then learn how to get over it. I am super good at speeding past them and just getting them behind me, no matter how much damage I do in the process. So I am trying to deal with this bump in a healthier way…unfortunately that healthier way just means I feel conflicted and fucked up at the moment.

Follow Up Appointment

I had my post D&C follow up today. This was a good appointment. I sat down with the doctor for almost an hour and she went over my complete medical history, gave me a lot of education about recurrent pregnancy loss and what tests I should have. So, I have a host of bloodwork being done to test for clotting disorders, genetic issues (chromosomal translocations), and a lot of other things. Then I’ll have a saline contrast ultrasound to make sure my uterus is ok and then we’ll decide where to go next. She’s not convinced that we need to invest in IVF yet. And if she’s not convinced, then neither am I. She thinks we should wait until we have the test results back and then make a decision. Good plan.

So, more waiting. But educated waiting. Waiting with a purpose. I can handle this. Right?

Focus

Last miscarriage I went on a pseudo-anorexic diet. I was obsessive. This time I am focusing on something else. This time …. Couch to 5 K. Starts Monday – one week from today. I am getting excited about it.

Sad

Man oh man, the emotional part seemed to hit today. It’s still not nearly as bad as it was last time, but it is still here. I was hoping to have most of it done before I go back to work tomorrow. Apparently it decided to wait to join me at the office.

The biggest thing this time around has been lower back ache and being SO tired. I just want to sleep all the time.

Post Op

Hello post partum.

Had the D&C yesterday. I slept pretty much all day yesterday and have slept most of the morning today. I’m very emotional, which is to be expected. Last time I cried all day the day after, but this time I think I am just going to be really, really sad all day. I have to call my RE office and set up a post op visit at some point.