If I can muster it, I am going to try to get into my GP tomorrow to get a prescription for some happy pills. I stopped taking mine several months ago. And I learned today that if you have a history of post partum depression, it can happen after a miscarriage, too. So on top of whatever shit you have to deal with from the miscarriage, you also may get the lovely hormone induced post partum depression as icing on the cake. Right – I am going to need the happy pills.
I am so tempted just to take pain pills tomorrow, too, to sort of help numb myself through the emotional shitstorm I feel coming. But 2 years of therapy in, I know that would just be a problem in the long run. I need to just feel what I feel and get it over with. My shrink has been calling me every couple of days to make sure that I am ok and she gave me her personal cell number in case I need to talk to her at any time. Very nice of her – but I am really thinking that’s not what I need right now.
Blogging again is actually good for processing this. Having one or two local friends who know and I can talk to helps. Having a few long distance friends I can talk to helps. A lot of little things help…I’m just trying not to overwhelm any one friend or group of friends with my need to process and talk. I just think tomorrow is going to be rough.
I’m trying to hold it back right now because I am not here alone and I need to be part of the family. Tomorrow it will just be me. If I find myself up to going to the store at some point, it will be me and a large quantity of some variety of cookies and milk and I’ll drown my sorrows in sugar. Unhealthy, I know. But I gave myself until the end of Saturday to just do whatever the hell I want or need to do, which includes looking to vices like sugar- and after that I have to work on getting better.
And I am rambly – if you can’t tell from this. My brain is all over the place. In order to give myself a way to move forward, I have to find a focal point.