Monthly Archives: June 2012

3, 2, 1…Transfer

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Well, looks like we have an embryo transfer scheduled.  July 3.  It turns out that the doctor today didn’t know what kind of cycle I was doing.  He saw follicles, thought they were cysts and thought I needed a progesterone test.  I let him know that I was on gonal-f and simulating a natural cycle, but doing a frozen transfer.  He apologized profusely for not having that information, and for them not covering it in his morning briefing.  I think it confirmed my suspicion that no one really had a handle on what I was doing with this treatment cycle except me.

Nonetheless, he picked up on what I was doing right away, and he understood why and thought it was a good idea.  I actually felt better that I got to explain it to a doctor, see him think it over, analyze it, and approve of the big picture thinking behind this.  We also talked about me wanting all of the progesterone support a body can muster.   So, in theory this cycle will give me a follicle or two that should produce progesterone naturally, since I will trigger and ovulate.  I will also use endometrin for progesterone support AND will do a few HCG boosters after my trigger, which should provide further progesterone support.  However this cycle ends, I will not be left wondering if it was a progesterone issue.

This is it – these are our last embryos.  We have no more of our donor sperm.  I need this one to work.  We still have to get through the thaw – that hasn’t been a good experience for us so far.  I dread “The Thaw”.  I fear, “The Thaw”.  That make or break moment that determines whether all of this has been for nothing.  We haven’t fared well with “The Thaw” so far, and I can only hope this goes better.  We are thawing 2 donated, day 5, hatching blastocysts.  Oh freezy babies, you can do this!

I’ve also been having crazy realistic dreams about parenting a baby.  I had a really long dream about breastfeeding and cloth diapers a few nights ago.  Last night was stroller shopping and baby clothes.  I hate the dreams – I can’t control that.  At least I can somewhat control my thought processes – but really realistic dreams are hard to shake sometimes.

I am still fairly peaceful about where we are at the moment.  Mentally, I seem to be shifting a bit.  I am less stressed out by the age gap between kids if this works.  That used to be a significant source of stress for me.  But after our family vacation with some friends, I got a fresh perspective on what it would be like to have kids fairly close in age, and I think the universe might have known that my patience was built for that.  So, the larger age gap, should it work, is feeling better.  

And if this is the end of the road, then maybe that’s ok, too.  I’ve been grieving for like a year now.  Isn’t one of the stages of grief acceptance?  I might be on the doorstep of acceptance.  Don’t quote me on that when I completely fall apart if this cycle fails, too.  Because I will.  Fall apart, that is.  But when I get past it, I think I am ready to move on.  That being said, I have an appointment in September with another fertility clinic, just to get a second opinion before I completely throw in the towel.  But I almost feel like that’s just for peace of mind – so when I move forward with no other baby, I’ll never look back and say, “If I only had gotten a second opinion, maybe things would be different.”

But, I have reached the point where there are things I want to do.  I want to go to grad school.  I want lap band surgery.  I want to travel more.  And life has to move on for me to do those things.  So, I think for a while I couldn’t even see what life without another baby or fertility treatments looked like.  Now I can see it.  And it’s not as terrible looking as it once was.  So, while it’s not how I want this to end, I think I am coming to acceptance.  

Returned

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Life has been a whirlwind.  And that’s probably an understatement.  We’ve had family vacation, 2 birthdays, end of t-ball season and preschool graduation.

Last night was preschool graduation.  It was cute and sweet.  Today was the end of preschool picnic.  We were at the school for about 3 hours.  Kids playing, parents playing, parents talking.  Today it got emotional.  Saying goodbye to the place and people who have been a part of our lives since our son was 6 months old was really tough.  And saying goodbye to all of the parent friends we have made over the years was also hard.  We’ll stay in touch with a few, but largely, everyone is moving on in their own direction now.  Some paths will cross, some will not.  I am very weepy today.

I think today was harder, too, because I’ve always thought that even though Little Man was finishing up at the school, we would still be going there every day for sibling.  And sibling hasn’t happened.  And might not ever happen.  And as I come to terms with that fact, it means that all of these lasts are really final.   They aren’t just final for this child – they are it.  Yes, we still have at least one embryo transfer and I am cycling for that now, so anything is possible.  But given the path we have been on, I am not hopeful.

So, it really changes the experience when you approach it as if “this is it – we will never be in preschool again.”  Our kid is growing up.  There’s no baby left in him – he’s a little boy now.  And so now we are parents of a little boy and we’ll likely never be parents of a baby again.  And that’s emotional, and sad, and all sorts of feelings get kicked up.

Starting Monday, I’ll be taking my little boy to summer camp at his new elementary school.  Life is changing.