I keep thinking about this journey, and the reality that it is almost over is an incredibly hard pill to swallow.  I have days where it seems easier, but every time I am confronted with the reality of it, I freak out.  I mean, this is a life changing decision.  Everything, everything I have ever hoped for, planned for, and wanted – changes with this being over.

I have career goals, of course, but at this point in my life, those are secondary and really insignificant compared to this.  My plan has always been to position myself professionally during these years so that when my kids were grown and out of the house, I would be ready to take over the world.   And I think I am on the right path for that.  But these years – these years were for family.  And more of it than I have now.

This changes my vision, and expectation, and experience for what my life will be like.  For what my kid’s life will be like.  I have never wanted only one child – I have always wanted, and knew I would have, at least two and maybe more.  And yet, here we are – this idea and vision of my life that I’ve had since I was a kid is crumbling right in front of me.  You walk your path, and mine is being washed away in front of me as I go.  So, I am feeling lost.

This is not a crossroads.  There are not clear ways to proceed, there are not defined paths to choose.  This is my identity.  This means I have to remake myself, remake my life plans, remake so many of the things I know about myself.  And how do you get OK with not fulfilling something that feels like such a fundamental and core part of who you are and have always been?

Look, I know it’s easier for me than for people who have not been graced with kids at all, but who desperately want them.  I am grateful every single day for every ounce of joy, frustration, laughter, exhaustion, curiousity, and everything else that I have because of my son.  Grateful beyond belief.  Frankly, he seems like a bit of a miracle.  As I have gone through all of the losses and failed cycles, it has put this feeling of awe into me that he ever happened.  It has made me understand what a fragile process this can all be, and how lucky we are that things happened just right to bring him into the world.

Back to identity – I don’t necessarily understand who I am as an adult, right now, if we put this behind us and move forward without this working.  In my 20’s it was all about preparing my life and getting pregnant, and then it was about raising a baby and getting pregnant again because that’s what was next.  And then that turned into 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant.  And it consumes you.  Injections, patches, suppositories, ultrasounds, pee sticks, and more injections.  The ups, the downs – I’ve been on hormones of one variety or another for over 2 years.  Everything has been about building a family up to this point in my adult life.

I always thought I would know when it was time to move forward because my family would be complete and I would feel whole.   I had no idea that was a fairy tale ending.  I had no idea that I was going to have to figure out that it was time to move forward because I was hollow and broken into a thousand pieces.  I guess it’s hard to go forward when you have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to put them together first.

This is my pity party.  I will stop having my pity party in the coming few days, but for now, I am sad, stressed, apprehensive, uncertain and just blah.  And I think I just need to be these things before I get on gettin’ on.

I made it through Mother’s Day.  It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun, but I did it.

When my son was born, I had never given a thought to Mother’s Day – it just wasn’t relevant.  And then my first Mother’s Day rolled around and I wanted it to be special.  I wanted it to mean something on Mother’s Day that I had carried and birthed this baby.  But, I realized that my kid has 2 moms, so in our house, it’s pretty meaningless.  Nobody gets the day off, nobody gets treated special, it’s all run of the mill – because with two of us, how do you chose who gets celebrated?  She’s just as much his mom as I am – regardless of who birthed him.  I had a really, really hard time with it that first year.  I wanted it to be something special and meaningful for me and it wasn’t.

The second year I was a little better prepared mentally and I was used to the idea that Mother’s Day wasn’t going to be anything special and it wasn’t going to be meaningful.  I came to accept that I was just going to have to give up on that day being anything more than just any other day.  And I was trying to get ok with that.

And then 2 years ago, on Mother’s Day, I had my first miscarriage.  So a day that was already tense and challenging for me, became a day that was unbearable and heartbreaking.  Last year, this year – I forget how much Mother’s Day triggers me, but this year it was a very bad day.  I cried on and off all day – I was clearly miserable.  I tried to stay cheerful by staying busy.  I took my son to the park, went shopping, made breakfast for my Mother-in-Law…but it was all littered with tears.

But now it’s over, and I survived.

Well shit.  Shit, shit, shit.

I had my beta today.  12.5 – so not negative, but not exactly positive either.  At this point, I would have been fine with a negative.  I already expected it and was making new plans for the next cycle.  And not that a negative beta is easy, but it’s clean and I was expecting it.  No waiting, no wondering.  No fear of heading towards another D&C.  No worries about ectopic.  Just clean.

I am remarkably numb about it.  I’m not happy.  I’m not particularly sad.  I just don’t feel anything about it.  At all.  And I don’t even know what to say about it because what is there to really say?  We’re in limbo.  But in my mind the thing in limbo is if this will resolve itself or if I will end up with yet another D&C.  With a beta of 12.5 of 9 DP 5DT, I cannot imagine there is any possible way this could be a viable pregnancy.  We’ve down this path before, we know where it leads.

Yet, I remain remarkably unaffected today.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been this shut down before.   I suppose for now that’s a good thing.  Repeat beta on Monday.

(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I’ve been realizing more and more lately that the last two years of miscarriages and fertility treatments have left me broken. I’ve been fighting being broken, but in reality, I’ve just been in denial. I’m changed. Maybe forever. Actually, for sure forever. And it’s not over yet. And I don’t know what that means for how this proceeds. For how I get unbroken. How can you even begin to figure out how to put the pieces back together when what’s left of you is still teetering on the edge and you know there are still strong winds ahead?

I know I am sounding like an angsty teenager, but I am in rough shape these days. Perhaps I just need my medication dose increased to help numb me back up again. I’m back in recluse mode. I rarely, if ever, see friends. I work my life away because I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t have much to say about anything and I even bore myself. Perhaps I will try to get the dose of the meds increased.

Genetic Results

We got the fetal genetic test results back from the last miscarriage today. It was chromosomally abnormal – trisomy 22. This particular genetic defect is considered “incompatible with life”. So, there was no way that pregnancy was ever viable.

Still waiting for the results of my own chromosome analysis, but will likely be going to see a genetic counselor to talk about 2 consecutive genetically abnormal fetuses, with different defects and what that means. I’m not sure what I hope to glean from genetic counseling, but it has been offered and if it’s covered by my insurance, why not? More data will help us make a more educated decision.

MTHFR

Some of my test results from the recurrent miscarriages have started to come back. Everything was normal until one of the blood tests last night. I apparently am homozygous for the A1298C polymorphism. So without seeing my doctor yet for some interpretation of what this might mean to me, my own research shows that it seems to mean that I have 2 defective copies of the same MTHFR gene, which impacts metabolism of folic acid and is a form of thrombophilia and can cause blood clotting. Now, the research I find is mixed and I cannot yet tell if this particular mutation is high risk. But it has been known to cause pregnancy loss. Most people with this mutation end up and mega doses of folic acid along with Vitamin B. Some also end up taking blood thinners like Lovenox and heparin during pregnancy.

Looking back, I think I did take extra Vitamin B with my son, but now I am wondering just how lucky we might have been with him.

Procrastinating

I should be working on photography, but I am feeling a little burned out. Not that it matters, I have to do it anyway. But I am procrastinating.

My body has shocked me by actually having a period not brought on by birth control pills, progesterone supplements, a failed pregnancy attempt or some other hormonal manipulation. it just did it. On its own. That’s a very unusual situation for me. And so when I had a chocolate craving today, I had a brownie. Now that this happened, I’ll be going in for some kind of saline contrast ultrasound this week to make sure my uterus is ok – no scar tissue, fibroids or other abnormalities that would be causing my miscarriages. That also explains why I haven’t been able to lose any weight this past week. I never lose weight in the week before my period, no matter what I do.

I have to admit, it’s been such a refreshing time to be focused on running and smaller clothes, as opposed to worrying about all of the fertility stuff. I get stressed out just thinking about doing it again. But it’s this or accept that we’ll only have one kid. Which I’m not ready to do. So, I’ll deal with the stress.

I found a place not too far away that I might go to for a few days. It’s a meditation and yoga retreat space. It’s completely off the grid, which I like. I need to check into it a little more before I decide, but a yoga/meditation retreat sounds awesome. Plus, it is very, very affordable.

 (Originally posted on LJ)

Bloodwork

I had my bloodwork today. 9 tests, 7 LARGE vials of blood and a stick in each arm. I’ll be shocked if they did the right tests. The people at the lab had to call people at a different lab to help them know what to do with the tests (she was on the phone 30 minutes trying to figure it out). I had some that aren’t very common, I know – but they are still preprinted on the lab slip, so clearly they aren’t THAT out of the ordinary. But, at least they called someone for help and spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, so maybe they did get it right.

It will take 2-2.5 weeks to get back the chromosome analysis. I would almost have the results back by now if my docs office had gotten the prior authorization in a timely manner. Which they didn’t. Which, I suppose, isn’t surprising. My doc expected to have it back around now, though. Very frustrating.