Well shit.  Shit, shit, shit.

I had my beta today.  12.5 – so not negative, but not exactly positive either.  At this point, I would have been fine with a negative.  I already expected it and was making new plans for the next cycle.  And not that a negative beta is easy, but it’s clean and I was expecting it.  No waiting, no wondering.  No fear of heading towards another D&C.  No worries about ectopic.  Just clean.

I am remarkably numb about it.  I’m not happy.  I’m not particularly sad.  I just don’t feel anything about it.  At all.  And I don’t even know what to say about it because what is there to really say?  We’re in limbo.  But in my mind the thing in limbo is if this will resolve itself or if I will end up with yet another D&C.  With a beta of 12.5 of 9 DP 5DT, I cannot imagine there is any possible way this could be a viable pregnancy.  We’ve down this path before, we know where it leads.

Yet, I remain remarkably unaffected today.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been this shut down before.   I suppose for now that’s a good thing.  Repeat beta on Monday.

4 responses »

  1. Dropping by from ICLW.
    Having never experienced a BETA like that (we have just never been pregnant), I can only imagine how discouraging that must feel. We are getting ready to start our first (and God willing, only) IVF that we are also paying out of pocket to do. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you….

    • Thank you! I have my next beta results and wasn’t so fortunate, but since I didn’t expect anything different, it’s not such a hard pill to swallow.

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