Dear Nurse Practitioner,
I know that you are learning and everyone has to start somewhere. And apparently it was my misfortune to be in the office that day, at that time, with my own doctor running an hour behind. So, I got to see you. With the other doctor, and another nurse. It was pretty much a party for my crotch. Yay!
Nurse, you seem nice. And as on OB Nurse, you are probably an expert. But, ovaries and embryos live in different places in the body. And I am not sure that you prying my knees farther and farther apart as I laid spread out on that table was going to help you find my ovaries any better. (it, in fact did not help you.) Also, a very important thing to remember when giving someone an internal ultrasound is that you aren’t just sticking that wand in a hole. That is someone’s VAGINA. The one that’s a part of their body. All of your rolling and stretching and probing, crashing repeatedly into my cervix didn’t seem to phase you as abnormal. But as someone who encounters The Wand on a bi-monthly basis, I can tell you, I’ve never had such an intense experience. All of that adjusting, in and out, stretch this way push that way – well, I’ve had sex that wasn’t that active. I’m just saying – it’s a VAGINA. Treat it with respect. And by proxy, treat me with respect.
That was certainly not the kind of “crotch party” a woman might hope for. 2 fully capable medical practitioners standing around your vagina peering in and coaching the noob at how to find ovaries. For almost 15 solid minutes you were probing around in there. I was a good sport – even though it was fairly degrading and sometimes painful. But I am telling you that I won’t be next time. Practice on someone not paying you $300 for what should be a 5 minute exam. (Were you trying to make sure I got my $300 worth?)
Find your own practice vagina – this one is mine.