This Shit’s About to Get Real

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I am fairly sure that this didn’t work again.  I still have sore breasts, but they are less sore than they were.  And I still have the zit on the jawline.  Those things always mean it didn’t work.  Today is 12 DPO, which means I could have tested, but there were numerous reasons that I didn’t.

First – we got home form our trip last night to a sick dog.  So much dog diarrhea.  So much.  She went twice in the car on the way home from the kennel and she just had no control.  So much cleaning and dog washing.

Second, going back to work after vacation is hard enough without a confirmed negative weighing on me.

Third, I thought I could wait it out and see if I just got my period or until after Thanksgiving, so I didn’t have to deal with the reality of it.

 

But, here we are and I have decided to test tomorrow.  I am not sleeping well because of the anxiety.  With the breast tenderness decreasing, I am sure that it’s just the estrogen/progesterone suppositories causing any remaining tenderness.

This is like staring into the abyss.  I know I’ve been talking about it being near the end of the line for this for almost a year now.  But now it’s really here.  Peeing on that stick is so much bigger than just another negative.  This is the negative for the rest of my life.  And that’s, well, that’s why I have been trying not to test.  Really.  There is such a permanence to this that it makes me sick.  I have read that people are at peace with this when they get here, but I am not at peace with it.  It’s not ok with me.  And that does not matter.   Because as soon as that stick gives the answer, reality is reality and I have to live with it.    Forever.

I know I said I am giving myself a 6 month time frame to revisit.  But I know the reality is that The Wife is done and that’s it.  I can revisit it in 6 months, and she wouldn’t outright stop me, but she certainly wouldn’t support it either.   So, this really is like staring a speeding train in the face.  And it’s time to just get it over with.  So, I’ll test tomorrow.  I acknowledge that there’s chance all of this angst is for nothing and there could be a miracle tomorrow – but I have too much history to really think tat could happen.

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3 responses »

  1. OH! I’m so sorry you’re in this place. Especially around the holiday. I had my first confirmed pregnancy the day before Thanksgiving and it turned chemical a week later. It’s always a bit tough this time of year. You are in my thoughts….

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