Fuck

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

Well, against my better judgment, i took a pregnancy test tonight.  It’s a little early and I did it at night.  And you are supposed to do them in the morning.  Regardless, it came back negative.  And I think it must be right.  I’ve had so many PMS symptoms that if they were pregnancy signs, I should have gotten a positive.  I’ll test again in the morning to confirm, but it looks like another cycle out the window.  After this we have to take another month off so if by some apparently very slim chance I were to get pregnant, the baby would not share a birthday with anyone else in the family.

On the flip side, I’m also feeling very defeated about all of this.  It’s wearing on me.  Maybe I should just quit.  We have a great little boy.  I don’t know…I’m just sad tonight.  Every cycle that fails fires that miscarriage back into my brain and makes it hurt again.  Because that was the one time it worked and I lost it.    It’s too soon to completely give up hope for this cycle, but realistically, it’s probably over.

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