Introvert

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I’m feeling a bit more introverted today. After a run-in with a co-worker today, it just really set me back. I’ve been motivated and feeling upbeat about my job. But after today, meh. I’m disappointed. Workwise, it’s possible this could turn into something good in the long run, but for now I’m just….meh.

And you know, I struggle a lot just to keep my head above water, emotionally, these days. Christ, my performance review is on Thursday and I feel fairly comfortable that it will go fine, but what concerns me is that I am so damned emotional, I am not sure how I will react. Last year I got a stellar review and I still teared up.

I’m just feeling very introverted. i don’t really want to talk to people. I don’t really want to interact with people. I just want to sit and do my own thing. I want to write. A lot. And I want to read. A lot. And I want to run. And I want to hide. And I want to be left alone. And I want people to reach out to me and care that I’m feeling all fucked up.

I didn’t really have time to deal with this last miscarriage and D&C after it happened. I left the country less than a week later. Came home sick as hell and as soon as I felt a little better it was non-stop birthdays and building and baking and feigned happiness. This is the first time since the D&C that life is slowing down for a minute. And so it’s the first time that I just have to sit and contemplate my position in life.

This will pass. It’s a temporary bump in the road, but one thing I have learned in therapy is not to ignore the bumps in the road. You have to feel the bump and then learn how to get over it. I am super good at speeding past them and just getting them behind me, no matter how much damage I do in the process. So I am trying to deal with this bump in a healthier way…unfortunately that healthier way just means I feel conflicted and fucked up at the moment.

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