Today a friend told me that she was impressed with all of the work that I did mentally and physically to prepare for this FET process, and that she wasn’t sure that she would have been so dedicated to getting healthy for it. The interesting thing is that my mental and physical work on myself was never about trying to get pregnant again. It was actually about recovering my life and myself from 3 years of being emotionally, physically, and financially destroyed by infertility and pregnancy loss. It was about moving on, and moving forward. It was about finding a point of control again and not feeling like everything I cared about was slipping through my grasp and I had no way to change that. It was about conquering the encompassing the depression that owned me after 3+ years of infertility treatments, failures, and losses. It was about healing, and becoming whole again. It was about taking back control of something in my life. Because I took the time to heal, I finally felt like I could try this without falling back into “The Dark Place” if it does not work. Don’t get me wrong, I will be distraught, sad, disappointed – I probably can’t come up with enough of those words to describe how I will feel if this didn’t work. But I won’t fall back into “The Dark Place”, where the feelings own me. And I was relatively sure of that before I started the process this time, and that was the only reason I went forward with it. I had finally healed enough to not be broken by it again.
That being said, with the dreaded beta looming on Friday, I realized I need a back up plan. I know, most people are excited about their beta day, but I have just had too many bad ones to think of it as exciting. I dread the idea of having my hope smashed, it makes me a little sick to my stomach to even think about it. But, I’ve had so much history with even getting a positive and then loss, that I know I won’t stop being worried even if it’s positive. Hell, I’ll probably worry even more. Because then there’s really something to lose – not just hope.
So, I need a back up plan in case this didn’t work and I don’t have additional worry to keep my mind occupied. My back up plan will not involve making babies. I was thinking about what I could do to challenge myself. To occupy my mind and body, and have something to work towards. I also know I need timelines. So, I have decided my back up plan will be training for a 10K in January.
I was always the fat girl who thought that I could never possibly run a 5K. Those were for other people. Not for people like me. But then the running industry got smart, and decided to make these events fun, low pressure, and accessible to people like me. So, I did it. And I’ve done several of them now. It’s not problem – I could do them multiple times a week, and there for a while I was running about 5K about 4 nights a week. Since I’ve been on the fertility drugs that has slowed substantially – my side effects from these things are intense. These days I am lucky to be able to stay awake until 8:30 PM – I’m pretty sure the PIO shots have knocked me on my ass. I have to set an alarm in the evening to wake me up so I can do my shot – all I want to do is sleep from about 7 PM onward. But, I digress.
Since I conquered my fear of running, and being around “skinny” and “fit” people, I think this would be an excellent challenge for me. I’m not intimidated by gym regulars, or people who are skinnier or in much better shape than me. Who gives a flying fuck what they think? And chances are, they don’t think anything at all – I’m just projecting my own insecurities. So, a 10K it is. And after that, a half marathon. That’s going to be quite an accomplishment for a formerly painfully insecure, self conscious, fat girl. I may still be a fat girl in progress, but my self esteem is recovering from a lifetime of negativity about my body – both externally and self imposed.
Back-up plan. Check.