Tag Archives: FET

So…

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Tomorrow is D-Day.  And I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of me thinks there’s a chance this really worked.  I’ve tried hard to be realistic about the chances of this working, but I am human.  And my heart is in it.  And I want it really bad.  I had a crazy wave of nausea tonight, and I remember that happening with my son.  Of course, it could have been anything.  It could have been the unholy stench practically growing off of my child’s feet.  Maybe I was dehydrated.  Maybe I was hungry.  Maybe it was a side effect of the PIO.  But, it’s hard not to think everything means something when you are in The Waiting.

I did, however, today manage to go all day without thinking about the fact that tomorrow is D-Day.  I kept busy at work, and it wasn’t until I was leaving and realized I needed to let people know I would be in late tomorrow because I have a doctor’s appointment, that I remembered.  Right.  Tomorrow.  9DP 5DT.

 

Back-Up Plan & Healing

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Today a friend told me that she was impressed with all of the work that I did mentally and physically to prepare for this FET process, and that she wasn’t sure that she would have been so dedicated to getting healthy for it.  The interesting thing is that my mental and physical work on myself was never about trying to get pregnant again.  It was actually about recovering my life and myself from 3 years of being emotionally, physically, and financially destroyed by infertility and pregnancy loss.  It was about moving on, and moving forward.  It was about finding a point of control again and not feeling like everything I cared about was slipping through my grasp and I had no way to change that.   It was about conquering the encompassing  the depression that owned me after 3+ years of infertility treatments, failures, and losses.  It was about healing, and becoming whole again.  It was about taking back control of something in my life.  Because I took the time to heal, I finally felt like I could try this without falling back into “The Dark Place” if it does not work.  Don’t get me wrong, I will be distraught, sad, disappointed – I probably can’t come up with enough of those words to describe how I will feel if this didn’t work.  But I won’t fall back into “The Dark Place”, where the feelings own me.  And I was relatively sure of that before I started the process this time, and that was the only reason I went forward with it.  I had finally healed enough to not be broken by it again.

That being said, with the dreaded beta looming on Friday, I realized I need a back up plan.  I know, most people are excited about their beta day, but I have just had too many bad ones to think of it as exciting.  I dread the idea of having my hope smashed, it makes me a little sick to my stomach to even think about it.  But, I’ve had so much history with even getting a positive and then loss, that I know I won’t stop being worried even if it’s positive.  Hell, I’ll probably worry even more.  Because then there’s really something to lose – not just hope.

So, I need a back up plan in case this didn’t work and I don’t have additional worry to keep my mind occupied.  My back up plan will not involve making babies.  I was thinking about what I could do to challenge myself.  To occupy my mind and body, and have something to work towards.  I also know I need timelines.  So, I have decided my back up plan will be training for a 10K in January.

I was always the fat girl who thought that I could never possibly run a 5K.  Those were for other people.  Not for people like me.  But then the running industry got smart, and decided to make these events fun, low pressure, and accessible to people like me.  So, I did it.  And I’ve done several of them now.  It’s not problem – I could do them multiple times a week, and there for a while I was running about 5K about 4 nights a week.  Since I’ve been on the fertility drugs that has slowed substantially – my side effects from these things are intense.  These days I am lucky to be able to stay awake until 8:30 PM – I’m pretty sure the PIO shots have knocked me on my ass.  I have to set an alarm in the evening to wake me up so I can do my shot – all I want to do is sleep from about 7 PM onward.  But, I digress.

Since I conquered my fear of running, and being around “skinny” and “fit” people, I think this would be an excellent challenge for me.  I’m not intimidated by gym regulars, or people who are skinnier or in much better shape than me.  Who gives a flying fuck what they think?  And chances are, they don’t think anything at all – I’m just projecting my own insecurities.  So, a 10K it is.  And after that, a half marathon.   That’s going to be quite an accomplishment for a formerly painfully insecure, self conscious, fat girl.  I may still be a fat girl in progress, but my self esteem is recovering from a lifetime of negativity about my body – both externally and self imposed.

Back-up plan.  Check.

Embryo in Travel Crisis

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OMG – so maybe my anxiety dream was right on time.  I got a call from my clinic this morning saying that they do not have all of the paperwork they need to receive the embryo, nor did they confirm they could receive the embryo on the scheduled delivery date.  And if the embryo is shipped as scheduled, they will have to reject it.

BUT, the shipping tank has already been delivered to the clinic that has the embryo and they are supposed to ship it tomorrow.  So, I called the donor’s clinic to see if they can fax over the necessary paperwork.  Then I called the shipping company to find out why the shipment was scheduled if no one had confirmed receipt with my clinic.  Apparently someone at my clinic DID confirm they could receive it on that date.  And there was miscommunication between the two clinics on what paperwork still needed to be transferred.

Thankfully people are willing to jump quickly on this – maybe they could hear the tears in my eyes over the phone.  Because I am panicking a little bit.  Or a lot.  Take your pick.

What are you saying?

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Well, the universe has been sending me some golden news on the baby making front, and my wife has been glowingly supportive.  All of which confuses me, but I accept it.

I finally found out from my clinic that they will transfer the one embryo our friends are donating, and they will only charge me $250 to do it.  Whoa.  So, we’re doing it.  It’s a slow process to get started because I am still waiting for the paperwork to come from my clinic so we can get the ball rolling, but as soon as it is here, we will be moving ahead.

I also got an email out of the blue from some people who used the same donor we used for our son.  They have 2 vials they are not going to need, and our donor was “sold out”, long ago.  They are willing to sell us those vials at a very reduced cost.  Yes, please.  That’s my back up plan.  I’m going to get those vials from them and have them stored as a next plan if the FET with the donor embryo for some reason does not work.

I’m very unaccustomed to the universe giving me upbeat news on the baby making idea, but I’m just accepting whatever it throws my way right now.  My recent mental journey has been around getting myself mentally and physically healthy, and part of that is being open to the energy and opportunities that present themselves.  So, here I am, and there they are, and now we move ahead and see what happens.

Aside

Well, I’ve had my endometriosis surgery and they didn’t find a single speck of endometriosis or anything else.  And that sucked.  So, I’m kind of curious about all of these symptoms I have, because I was certain they were endo.  And it’s also disappointing because I just thought that after they fixed that, maybe I would have a better chance at getting pregnant using the donated embryo from my friends.  But, nothing changed.  Apparently nothing was ever wrong.  Except that I cannot get pregnant no matter what we try.

But I have my heart set of trying with this embryo.  My clinic is being froggy about just using one embryo given my history.  They are telling me that they really don’t want to try with only one embryo since my history doesn’t indicate that chances of success with only one would be that substantial.  But, they don’t have another embryo available for me, so all I have is one.

I’ve been researching “womb scratching” and “hsg wash” as things that increase implantation and success with embryo transfer.  I have to talk to the doc about those, but first I have to get him to get over just having one embryo.  It’s what I have to work with, and it’s an incredible act of kindness that brought it to me, so they need to work with it.  

Happy 2012

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We brought in 2012 with some friends and I think all of us are trying very hard to believe that 2012 will be a better year.  A few days before Christmas, one of our friends found out that she has breast cancer.  Fortunately it’s early and she will be able to have a lumpectomy and radiation and her prognosis is good.  But I know they need, as much as we do, for 2012 to be a kinder, gentler year.

I ushered in January 1 with a changing of the estrogen patches.  Preparing for a frozen transfer in a few weeks.  Here’s the thing about me and estrogen patches.  They make me leak.  I cry about EVERYTHING when I have estrogen patches.  EVERYTHING.  And, I get severe intestinal unrest.  Meaning, instant diarrhea.  Yes, the first time I was on estrogen, we had the The Chowchilla Incident, related to intestinal unrest.  One day I’ll rehash that, but today, equipped with fresh and reloaded estrogen patches, I’ll skip it.  It will probably make me cry.  Even though, now, a year later, it’s a damn funny story.

I don’t have any New Years resolutions, but I do want to get myself into better shape mentally.  I’ve got to have a more positive outlook, and be kinder and more forgiving of myself, if this is going to work.

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

Turns out, my 4 year old son’s preschool teacher is pregnant. I would like to be happy for her, and I suppose there’s a part of me that really is, but mostly it just really made me sad. We’ve come to that point in fertility treatments that when people say, “Your son is so great. When are you two going to have another one?”, we’ve finally started just telling people the truth. “2 years and 3 miscarriages later, we haven’t had much luck in that department. We’re still trying, but it’s not easy going.” And the response now isn’t along the lines of keep the faith or keep trying, it’s, “Well, you have to be glad then that you have your son and that he’s so fantastic.” I get it, there aren’t a lot of ways to respond to that information. But, I am pretty beat down by all of this and that sort of external feedback just doesn’t help. Everyone knows what I know – this probably isn’t going to happen. And they have some finality in their sentiment – and that’s a finality I just can’t accept.

I’m prepping for a frozen embryo transfer. But there’s not a single piece of me that thinks it could work. As a matter of fact, I’m rather convinced at this point that none of the blastocysts are going to survive the thaw. Not that I have any good reason to believe that other than none of this has gone very well for us, so why would this be any different? I also worry that my negative attitude could be a factor, but I don’t know how to fix that. How do you convince yourself to be positive and hopeful after all of this?

I am going to acupuncture Monday, I am hoping that helps not only my body, but also my mind. In all likelihood, I’ll be flat out on that table bawling by the time my hour is over. Compliments of my estrogen patches.

It’s like those damn pathches have a direct connection to my tear ducts and I cry. A lot.

Anyway, off to coddle my estrogen patches and have a little cry…