Tag Archives: donor embryo

Oh, So We’re Doing This…Again.

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7.57 beta HCG on 9DP 5DT.

Not negative.  But not really positive.  Probably a chemical.  Again.  I go back Tuesday for another draw to find out how it resolves, but I’ve been down this road.  I know how this goes.

So, I’ve cried a little.  But I’m at work, so only a little.  And I emailed my trainer to set up a workout for Monday morning.  We’ll do a light workout, just in case.  No regrets, and all.  But, I know how this story ends.  

So…

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Tomorrow is D-Day.  And I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of me thinks there’s a chance this really worked.  I’ve tried hard to be realistic about the chances of this working, but I am human.  And my heart is in it.  And I want it really bad.  I had a crazy wave of nausea tonight, and I remember that happening with my son.  Of course, it could have been anything.  It could have been the unholy stench practically growing off of my child’s feet.  Maybe I was dehydrated.  Maybe I was hungry.  Maybe it was a side effect of the PIO.  But, it’s hard not to think everything means something when you are in The Waiting.

I did, however, today manage to go all day without thinking about the fact that tomorrow is D-Day.  I kept busy at work, and it wasn’t until I was leaving and realized I needed to let people know I would be in late tomorrow because I have a doctor’s appointment, that I remembered.  Right.  Tomorrow.  9DP 5DT.

 

Back-Up Plan & Healing

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Today a friend told me that she was impressed with all of the work that I did mentally and physically to prepare for this FET process, and that she wasn’t sure that she would have been so dedicated to getting healthy for it.  The interesting thing is that my mental and physical work on myself was never about trying to get pregnant again.  It was actually about recovering my life and myself from 3 years of being emotionally, physically, and financially destroyed by infertility and pregnancy loss.  It was about moving on, and moving forward.  It was about finding a point of control again and not feeling like everything I cared about was slipping through my grasp and I had no way to change that.   It was about conquering the encompassing  the depression that owned me after 3+ years of infertility treatments, failures, and losses.  It was about healing, and becoming whole again.  It was about taking back control of something in my life.  Because I took the time to heal, I finally felt like I could try this without falling back into “The Dark Place” if it does not work.  Don’t get me wrong, I will be distraught, sad, disappointed – I probably can’t come up with enough of those words to describe how I will feel if this didn’t work.  But I won’t fall back into “The Dark Place”, where the feelings own me.  And I was relatively sure of that before I started the process this time, and that was the only reason I went forward with it.  I had finally healed enough to not be broken by it again.

That being said, with the dreaded beta looming on Friday, I realized I need a back up plan.  I know, most people are excited about their beta day, but I have just had too many bad ones to think of it as exciting.  I dread the idea of having my hope smashed, it makes me a little sick to my stomach to even think about it.  But, I’ve had so much history with even getting a positive and then loss, that I know I won’t stop being worried even if it’s positive.  Hell, I’ll probably worry even more.  Because then there’s really something to lose – not just hope.

So, I need a back up plan in case this didn’t work and I don’t have additional worry to keep my mind occupied.  My back up plan will not involve making babies.  I was thinking about what I could do to challenge myself.  To occupy my mind and body, and have something to work towards.  I also know I need timelines.  So, I have decided my back up plan will be training for a 10K in January.

I was always the fat girl who thought that I could never possibly run a 5K.  Those were for other people.  Not for people like me.  But then the running industry got smart, and decided to make these events fun, low pressure, and accessible to people like me.  So, I did it.  And I’ve done several of them now.  It’s not problem – I could do them multiple times a week, and there for a while I was running about 5K about 4 nights a week.  Since I’ve been on the fertility drugs that has slowed substantially – my side effects from these things are intense.  These days I am lucky to be able to stay awake until 8:30 PM – I’m pretty sure the PIO shots have knocked me on my ass.  I have to set an alarm in the evening to wake me up so I can do my shot – all I want to do is sleep from about 7 PM onward.  But, I digress.

Since I conquered my fear of running, and being around “skinny” and “fit” people, I think this would be an excellent challenge for me.  I’m not intimidated by gym regulars, or people who are skinnier or in much better shape than me.  Who gives a flying fuck what they think?  And chances are, they don’t think anything at all – I’m just projecting my own insecurities.  So, a 10K it is.  And after that, a half marathon.   That’s going to be quite an accomplishment for a formerly painfully insecure, self conscious, fat girl.  I may still be a fat girl in progress, but my self esteem is recovering from a lifetime of negativity about my body – both externally and self imposed.

Back-up plan.  Check.

Final PersonalTrainerFood.com Review

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I mentioned a few posts ago that I have lost 45 pounds so far this year, and several posts before that I was reviewing Personal Trainer Foods.  So, I thought it appropriate at this point to synthesize my experience with the food and my weight loss.  (Also, to distract myself from the glaring reality that travel and storage plans for The Frizzle have not yet been finalized.  It was supposed to ship from Boston today, but it didn’t.  No one at the Boston clinic has returned calls from either my clinic or the shipping company.  And The Frizzle is not on the way here and no one can seem to tell me anything about it.)

So, back to the subject at hand.  I placed one 30 Day worth of food order from Personal Trainer Foods, in April of this year.  If you open my freezer today, you will still find most of the food there.  I don’t have the heart to throw it away, and I don’t have the stomach to eat it.  I threw away anything red meat.  Everything I tried that was red meat was just completely inedible – brisket, fajita meat, etc.  Done – in the trash. And I threw away a lot of the vegetables.  I like my vegetables overcooked and soft – that’s how I cook them.  But these were grossly mushy when heated.  The green beans, though, are a notable exception.  The green beans are good.  And despite the Personal Trainer Food money back guarantee, you have to tell them within a very short number of days from receiving the food if you don’t like it in order to get a refund.  There’s no time to try one of everything if you have a good assortment of items within that window.

Here’s what Personal Trainer Foods did for me:  every time I set my mind to being on a strict eating plan, I forced myself to eat the Personal trainer Foods for the first two days.  They are so gross, that it helped motivate me to cook healthy and tasty food on my own.  And those two days help reduce my appetite and sugar cravings.  So, by going through that process every time I “fell off the wagon”, I developed a plan that works for me.  I can cook my own food – which is fresh and delicious, and even though I have to make time to do it, I TRULY APPRECIATE being able to eat healthy tasty food.  And every 2 weeks, I give myself one day off and eat whatever food it is that has been calling to me – pizza, Thai, ice cream – whatever I want.  And the next day, I go back to my own cooked, healthy, tasty meals.  And I don’t need to use the Personal Trainer Foods as a crutch anymore.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the freezer full of food I have that I just am not going to eat.  I actually think I keep it there as a little mental reminder to stick with the plan I have developed or I’ll have to eat that stuff again.  We all have the little things that motivate us, right?

Embryo in Travel Crisis

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OMG – so maybe my anxiety dream was right on time.  I got a call from my clinic this morning saying that they do not have all of the paperwork they need to receive the embryo, nor did they confirm they could receive the embryo on the scheduled delivery date.  And if the embryo is shipped as scheduled, they will have to reject it.

BUT, the shipping tank has already been delivered to the clinic that has the embryo and they are supposed to ship it tomorrow.  So, I called the donor’s clinic to see if they can fax over the necessary paperwork.  Then I called the shipping company to find out why the shipment was scheduled if no one had confirmed receipt with my clinic.  Apparently someone at my clinic DID confirm they could receive it on that date.  And there was miscommunication between the two clinics on what paperwork still needed to be transferred.

Thankfully people are willing to jump quickly on this – maybe they could hear the tears in my eyes over the phone.  Because I am panicking a little bit.  Or a lot.  Take your pick.

What are you saying?

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Well, the universe has been sending me some golden news on the baby making front, and my wife has been glowingly supportive.  All of which confuses me, but I accept it.

I finally found out from my clinic that they will transfer the one embryo our friends are donating, and they will only charge me $250 to do it.  Whoa.  So, we’re doing it.  It’s a slow process to get started because I am still waiting for the paperwork to come from my clinic so we can get the ball rolling, but as soon as it is here, we will be moving ahead.

I also got an email out of the blue from some people who used the same donor we used for our son.  They have 2 vials they are not going to need, and our donor was “sold out”, long ago.  They are willing to sell us those vials at a very reduced cost.  Yes, please.  That’s my back up plan.  I’m going to get those vials from them and have them stored as a next plan if the FET with the donor embryo for some reason does not work.

I’m very unaccustomed to the universe giving me upbeat news on the baby making idea, but I’m just accepting whatever it throws my way right now.  My recent mental journey has been around getting myself mentally and physically healthy, and part of that is being open to the energy and opportunities that present themselves.  So, here I am, and there they are, and now we move ahead and see what happens.