Well, I’ll be damned. The Frizzle shipped. And just like that, my cortisol levels have returned to normal.
I mentioned a few posts ago that I have lost 45 pounds so far this year, and several posts before that I was reviewing Personal Trainer Foods. So, I thought it appropriate at this point to synthesize my experience with the food and my weight loss. (Also, to distract myself from the glaring reality that travel and storage plans for The Frizzle have not yet been finalized. It was supposed to ship from Boston today, but it didn’t. No one at the Boston clinic has returned calls from either my clinic or the shipping company. And The Frizzle is not on the way here and no one can seem to tell me anything about it.)
So, back to the subject at hand. I placed one 30 Day worth of food order from Personal Trainer Foods, in April of this year. If you open my freezer today, you will still find most of the food there. I don’t have the heart to throw it away, and I don’t have the stomach to eat it. I threw away anything red meat. Everything I tried that was red meat was just completely inedible – brisket, fajita meat, etc. Done – in the trash. And I threw away a lot of the vegetables. I like my vegetables overcooked and soft – that’s how I cook them. But these were grossly mushy when heated. The green beans, though, are a notable exception. The green beans are good. And despite the Personal Trainer Food money back guarantee, you have to tell them within a very short number of days from receiving the food if you don’t like it in order to get a refund. There’s no time to try one of everything if you have a good assortment of items within that window.
Here’s what Personal Trainer Foods did for me: every time I set my mind to being on a strict eating plan, I forced myself to eat the Personal trainer Foods for the first two days. They are so gross, that it helped motivate me to cook healthy and tasty food on my own. And those two days help reduce my appetite and sugar cravings. So, by going through that process every time I “fell off the wagon”, I developed a plan that works for me. I can cook my own food – which is fresh and delicious, and even though I have to make time to do it, I TRULY APPRECIATE being able to eat healthy tasty food. And every 2 weeks, I give myself one day off and eat whatever food it is that has been calling to me – pizza, Thai, ice cream – whatever I want. And the next day, I go back to my own cooked, healthy, tasty meals. And I don’t need to use the Personal Trainer Foods as a crutch anymore.
Now I just have to figure out what to do with the freezer full of food I have that I just am not going to eat. I actually think I keep it there as a little mental reminder to stick with the plan I have developed or I’ll have to eat that stuff again. We all have the little things that motivate us, right?
Our embryo travel crisis is not over yet, but I am trying to remain calm. I mean, I don’t have much choice or control over what’s happening, so it isn’t doing me much good to panic. It did totally take the wind out of me today, though.
And against my better judgment, I have named the embryo because I hate calling it “the embryo”. It shall henceforth be referred to as The Frizzle. I think the name is un-namelike enough that if this doesn’t work, the fact that it had a name won’t be a big emotional thing.
OMG – so maybe my anxiety dream was right on time. I got a call from my clinic this morning saying that they do not have all of the paperwork they need to receive the embryo, nor did they confirm they could receive the embryo on the scheduled delivery date. And if the embryo is shipped as scheduled, they will have to reject it.
BUT, the shipping tank has already been delivered to the clinic that has the embryo and they are supposed to ship it tomorrow. So, I called the donor’s clinic to see if they can fax over the necessary paperwork. Then I called the shipping company to find out why the shipment was scheduled if no one had confirmed receipt with my clinic. Apparently someone at my clinic DID confirm they could receive it on that date. And there was miscommunication between the two clinics on what paperwork still needed to be transferred.
Thankfully people are willing to jump quickly on this – maybe they could hear the tears in my eyes over the phone. Because I am panicking a little bit. Or a lot. Take your pick.
First off, I have lost 45 pounds this year. BAM! Party for me!
Second, we are on our way to frozen embryo transfer. Our donated embryo from Boston is days away from reaching it’s new cryo-tank home in California. It should be here within the week. That’s not exactly step one, there have been a LOT of steps to get to that point. But, it’s a big milestone in this process. I’ve been super relaxed and focused on other things, which is a great mental approach to this all. I am thoroughly invested, but I have a more healthy attachment to the process than in the past – less desperate, more hopeful.
But, last night I could tell some anxiety started creeping in. I dreamed that my friend sent me a picture of the embryo – the kind the clinic takes with their microscope. And that was cool. But then, the dream shifted and the clinic that currently has the embryo decided to thaw it to check on it before they shipped it. Their plan was to thaw it, check it’s viability for 24 hours, then re-vitrify it and ship it to my clinic. But they didn’t tell us this, they just did it. And so, out of the blue I got an email from my friends who are donating the embryo, and they said the clinic had just called and the embryo had regressed to the morula stage and was not likely to survive being re-frozen. And then she explained using a very long equation that looked somewhat like this: 2(x-y)= 46(z-y)/(x-z)*10<46x(y+zx) and on and on for like 7 full lines. I could not understand, and didn’t much care, about the math-iness of it. All I cared about was no more embryo because some dumb ass decided to thaw it when they shouldn’t have. My friend felt bad and wished the clinic had told her they were going to do it, too, so she could have stopped them. And then I woke up. So, yes, I suppose underneath my collected outer demeanor, I have a nervous streak building about this.
I’m already in the process of prepping my body for the transfer. I have had a batch of bloodwork, a saline contrast ultrasound to make sure my uterus looks pretty enough, and an endometrial scratching procedure. I wasn’t actually prepared to have that done even though I asked for it, because the most recent information I had was that the doctor doesn’t do that procedure because he doesn’t think there is enough science behind it. I knew my nurse was advocating for me though, and that she had done them before with another doctor in the practice, I just didn’t know it had been resolved. So, both were done – and the saline contrast ultrasound was just a little pinchy, but otherwise just fine. The scratching, however, that one hurt. I’ll take “Things I Don’t Want to Hear My RE say for $1,000, please” – “This catheter is thicker and more rigid than the ones we usually use for other procedures and it’s getting stuck on the ridges of your cervix when I try to push it in.” Yeah, I could feel all of that. I did need to go home and take a pain pill and sleep it off – it left me not feeling so great. But, it’s over and I’m fine. I’ve never done PIO shots, and I am going to do them this cycle – I’m guessing they are going to be WAY worse than the scratching was.
At the RE office there were many jokes by the nurses about the baby being born with a Boston accent and a Red Sox jersey… I’ve been through too much in the past to let myself actually think of this as actually being a baby at some point, so that was a little mentally jarring. I mean, I know that’s the desired outcome here, but we still have miles to go before we get there, and I haven’t been able to make it through all of those miles in the past and get one of these to actually turn into a baby, so I’m hesitant. And self protective. And I don’t count my chickens…errrr, frozen embryos…before they hatch. Or something like that.
Well, the universe has been sending me some golden news on the baby making front, and my wife has been glowingly supportive. All of which confuses me, but I accept it.
I finally found out from my clinic that they will transfer the one embryo our friends are donating, and they will only charge me $250 to do it. Whoa. So, we’re doing it. It’s a slow process to get started because I am still waiting for the paperwork to come from my clinic so we can get the ball rolling, but as soon as it is here, we will be moving ahead.
I also got an email out of the blue from some people who used the same donor we used for our son. They have 2 vials they are not going to need, and our donor was “sold out”, long ago. They are willing to sell us those vials at a very reduced cost. Yes, please. That’s my back up plan. I’m going to get those vials from them and have them stored as a next plan if the FET with the donor embryo for some reason does not work.
I’m very unaccustomed to the universe giving me upbeat news on the baby making idea, but I’m just accepting whatever it throws my way right now. My recent mental journey has been around getting myself mentally and physically healthy, and part of that is being open to the energy and opportunities that present themselves. So, here I am, and there they are, and now we move ahead and see what happens.
Well, I’ve had my endometriosis surgery and they didn’t find a single speck of endometriosis or anything else. And that sucked. So, I’m kind of curious about all of these symptoms I have, because I was certain they were endo. And it’s also disappointing because I just thought that after they fixed that, maybe I would have a better chance at getting pregnant using the donated embryo from my friends. But, nothing changed. Apparently nothing was ever wrong. Except that I cannot get pregnant no matter what we try.
But I have my heart set of trying with this embryo. My clinic is being froggy about just using one embryo given my history. They are telling me that they really don’t want to try with only one embryo since my history doesn’t indicate that chances of success with only one would be that substantial. But, they don’t have another embryo available for me, so all I have is one.
I’ve been researching “womb scratching” and “hsg wash” as things that increase implantation and success with embryo transfer. I have to talk to the doc about those, but first I have to get him to get over just having one embryo. It’s what I have to work with, and it’s an incredible act of kindness that brought it to me, so they need to work with it.
Ok, today wasn’t as bad. It was actually pretty good. Today’s lunch was marinara chicken and squash. The squash was slightly under-ripe, and therefore not as flavorful as squash should be. And I LOVE squash, so it doesn’t take much to win me over with squash. This one could have been better. I didn’t finish it because of the under-ripeness and a very weird texture. It squeaked against my teeth when I chewed it…odd. But, it wasn’t horrible. The marinara chicken was really tasty. I think I only ordered one of those because it’s not the kind of thing I usually like. So, there you go. 10 bags of nasty fajita meat, and one bag of tasty chicken. Go figure.
One secret – cook the meat longer than they instruct. On every microwave, I have found adding 30-45 extra seconds makes the chicken have a much better texture. Less mushy/frozen TV dinner, more chickeny.
First things first – I had my blood work today for the endometriosis surgery, so we are still on schedule to deal with that on Friday. I am nervous, but also happy for the notable change it could make in my life.
Now, on to the food. Oh no. This one was bad. BAD. Like, I swallowed one bite whole, and then had to spit out the next bite, bad.
Steak fajita strips. The steak was mushy – like mashed potato consistency. I almost threw up. It was salty and mushy, and what I imagine it would feel/taste like to eat boogers. I’m still queasy from the experience. I’m going to eat some pistachios to see if I can recover.
I had some variety of veggie at lunch, too. Oh yes, the Mediterranean veggies. But they were seasoned, and also mushy, and after the “steak” made me queasy, I could not stomach the salty, mushy veggies either. I threw the whole plate of food away. Another day I could like these veggies, so I’ll try them again to see. I have 10 bags of this fajita steak though – how am I going to get through those???
So far the only thing I really like are the chicken sticks with various flavors. And I have a whole lot of other things to eat, and not many of those. The convenience of the veggies is nice, and overall they just taste like veggies. So, that’s good. If I could send everything back and reorder right now, I would have 28 days of chicken sticks and assorted veggies. The rub there is that those chicken sticks have around 25-30 carbs per serving. So, if I had 2 servings a day of those, I would be eating 50-60 carbs a day just in breading. And that’s never going to help me lose weight.
I guess the deal is that I tried it and I don’t like it. And if I do like it, it’s not actually that nutritionally sound. SUCK. I had high hopes for this. AND I have approximately 23 days of food left to eat.
I have a few meals to review, so let’s start with dinner tonight: butter roasted chicken and broccoli. The broccoli tasted like broccoli, no surprises. The butter roasted chicken was ok. Not good, not bad. Just ok. I can eat it again, but I won’t love it.
Lunch Today: Jalapeño chicken sticks and riviera blend veggies (carrots, green beans, wax beans). The chicken sticks were SO good! It’s like they have reserved all of the bold delicious flavor for the chicken sticks and missed them on the other chicken dishes. The veggies were veggies. Nothing unexpected there.
Dinner last night: Ginger grilled chicken and stir fry veggies. I didn’t care for either of these on their own. But, I minced the chicken and added a splash of soy sauce to the veggies and then mixed them together. It was good that way- the ginger from the chicken gave the veggies flavor, and the soy sauce lightened the ginger just a smidge. I’ll eat this again, but probably won’t order it next time.