Round 2

Standard

I have received and used my second shipment of donor sperm.  Let me tell you, I am completely inept that this home insemination business!  I read about it online and it all sounds so very straightforward and simple.  Dump the “goods” in an Instead cup and carefully insert the cup taking care not to spill.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I don’t actually want to see a video of someone inserting one of these things without spilling, but I truly cannot figure out how the hell to do it.  I spoke to a midwife after I spilled most of my last shipment out of the cup last time to see what she would recommend.  She said, “First insert the sperm at the cervix, then put the Instead Cup over to keep it there.  It’s very easy.”  Perfect!  Since I couldn’t get it to work the first way, I decided to try this way this time.

Fail #2.  I might have gotten some to stay in there?  When you get a shipment of this stuff, it’s liquid.  The sperm has been mixed in a test yolk buffer, and you get a good amount of liquid.  It’s not like a fresh donation where things are a little less liquid and a lot less volume.  So, following my plan.  I’m laid up in bed, I get my hips all propped up.  Sperm loaded into the syringe.  Everything lubed up with a little Pre-Seed.  I’m ready.  Insert syringe near cervix.  Slowly – very slowly – begin emptying syringe of contents.  Within seconds this stuff is coming right back out!  I still haven’t emptied the syringe and I’ve got this liquid dripping out everywhere!  So, I finish emptying the syringe, remove it and as it’s coming out, the plunger pushes down a smidge more (I swear, I pushed it as much as I could while it was inserted!) and a small spray of shipped jizz lands on my thigh.  This is clearly going much more successfully than the last time. I grab the Instead cup and I’m trying to catch everything that leaked out to try to get it back in.  I truly have no idea how much, if any, sperm actually found it’s way into my body.  Easy says the midwife.  Easy say all of the perfect lesbian home inseminators on the internet.

Not easy!  I want to hear from other people on how they manage to get this done and keep all of the stuff where it’s supposed to be!  I mean, I know this has very little chance of working, but that little chance gets even exponentially smaller if I can’t get the sperm into place.  So, home inseminators, tell me your secrets!  I bow to your wisdom.

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4 responses »

  1. I did practice with the instead cups with lube, but the lube is much thicker and viscous than the shipped sperm. The shipped sperm is almost the consistency of water. It’s a little thicker, but not much. It’s not very forgiving. I don’t think I want to practice with water – I’m not sure I want to put water up on my cervix….

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