Indecision as a Decision

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I still struggle with the right way to go forward with this fertility stuff.  I’ve tried to force myself to give up on it.  And I just don’t seem to be making progress on that.  So, I tried to set a timeline for trying again, and I am just not there either.  So, I’ve decided to just let it rest.  I’m deciding that I don’t have to make a decision right now.  I want to have lap band surgery.  I want a new job.  I want to grow my photography business.  And then I want to revisit having another baby.

I want there to be 80 pounds less of me.  And then I want to try to get pregnant.  Maybe that will give me some time to save some money, too.  I’ve been tossing around the idea of creating an online fundraising effort to help fund the next effort to make a baby.  I might be able to get to it sooner if I could raise some funds externally.

I am also hoping to acquire another donated embryo between now and when the time to try again comes.  I have had several conversations with the embryologist and she thinks that with my history, we should really be looking at transferring 2 embryos if we are going to try again.  That being said, that’s a whole lot to ask of the universe – funding help, another donated embryo – it’s a lot to ask.  But I am asking it of the universe anyway.  I am incredibly thankful for the embryo we will have and just holding out hope that I can make all of the pieces fall into place to try again when the time is right.

Despite my best efforts to tell myself that it’s over and it’s just not going to happen, I cannot seem to believe that it’s all there is for me.

Of course, all of this is just me.  There’s been no conversation with my wife about this.  The last time I attempted to discuss this with her a few months ago, it led to hours of fighting and crying.  And she said she wasn’t discussing it again before May.  Not that I would call that a “discussion”.  It was an awful, terrible, shitty fight.  There was minimal actual conversation.  So, she’s not even willing to have a discussion before May, but my brain and heart don’t just stop because she’s not willing to discuss it.  So, I am making my own plans.

It’s pretty peaceful to have settled on a plan and stop trying to force myself into a decision that just doesn’t feel right no matter how hard I try.

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