Letting Go….Or Not

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I’ve been trying to stay away from the entire world.  That’s not easy, seeing as how I have to go to work and all.

I am not handling all of this with grace.  I’m bitter, sad, jealous… name an ugly and unbecoming emotion, and I’ve got it.  And I am not hiding it well.  My shrink seems frustrated that I can’t just let it go and move on.  But, maybe I’m projecting.  I have watched everyone – and I mean every single person – in my life who wanted a baby, get one.  Or be about to get one.  And even the people who didn’t want babies – I’ve watched those people get them, too.

So, yeah.  I am bitter.  And I cannot get past it.  What’s the catalyst?  What is it that happens to people to make them able to put this part of their lives behind them and move on with some sort of peace?  I’m looking for that.  I’m stuck here – I can’t seem to let go of the idea of having another kid.  How do you do that?

I keep hearing that it’s time to move on with my life.  But I don’t comprehend.  Move on to what?  I don’t have a Plan B, here.  It has always been, as far back as I can remember, make a family and be immersed in mothering with some career on the side.  I wanted to stuff my life with the joy and stress of parenthood – while laying the foundation for a great career, which I would pursue once the parenting side of my life was fulfilled.  At least two kids, but I came to really want 3 once I had one.  My life plan has always been kids – I’ve always known this is what I wanted.  So, what does it mean to move on?  Letting go of the vision I have had for my life since I was old enough to say, “When I grow up, I want…”

So, if I find a way to accept that I have no choice but to let that go, then what?  I don’t have another plan.  Lest I sound one dimensional, I do already have a great career.  I’ve advanced much more quickly than planned, and I’m in an executive role.  I need more time and experience in this type of role before I take a CEO position.  And that is the next step.  So, my immediate career goals do not lend themselves to being Plan B.  My career has done what it needed to do despite my focus on my personal life.

And that leaves me wondering, what is it?  What will be the thing that changes me? When it is that I will not double over, actually feeling punched in the gut, when I hear about someone in my general social circle being pregnant? What will be the thing that fixes me?  Because I am broken.   How do you let go of this?

 

 

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One response »

  1. I’m new here, but saw your tweet RT’d by a friend. I just want to offer support and hugs. My 2nd husband and I are in the process of moving on after 4 years of IF treatment, and one 12 week loss. We officially exited TTC about a year ago. I can tell you that time is helping me. It is of course different for everyone, but I’ve moved from trauma, anger, bitterness, and intense pain to “just” an ache of longing that comes less often as time goes by. Aside from time, I’m not sure what else will help. Do try hard to invest in yourself, your other desires, whether nail polish or hiking, a new hobby, or whatever feels good. I also think it’s really good that you’re blogging and tweeting. Better out than in. No need to suffer alone. Speak your mind, let it out. You don’t have to try to feel anything other than what is there naturally. Anger and bitterness are part of grief. XO

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