A few days ago, I was ruminating on what it means to deal with my issues, trauma, pain – whatever – without just eating sugar all the time. I haven’t quite sorted it out, and after a visit to my shrink, in which I pretty much just cried the whole time, I still don’t have the perfect answer. But I do have ideas – she’s really helpful in that way.
It turns out though, the thing that seems to be giving me the most relief is going to the gym. It’s not running in the neighborhood, it’s not running on my treadmill at home – it’s not exercise in general. It is specifically going to the gym – by myself. And lifting weights. I’m such a weakling at this point, but literally adding weight until I am really working to get through 8 reps, then doing two more sets – that’s working for me. It’s like pushing everything I have into moving those weights is pushing through the pain. And yeah, I’m still really, really emotional about all of this fertility stuff. About it almost being over. About the doors closing on my childbearing years – without my consent. Yeah – still really emotional. Really.
So, today my body hurts from working out last night. But it hurts in that good way. The way I understand. And I want to go back tonight and do it all again.