Lean Into It


I’ve reached the end of the road financially, in terms of having choices in how we pursue IF treatment.  After 2 rounds of IVF, 8 IUIs, and 4 FETs – I am almost out of money.  And there are no other sources I can tap.  I would really love to do one more round of IVF with our last vial of sperm, but there’s just no more money.  I’ve been looking for IVF grants and such, but there’s nothing that will work for us.  I suppose I have to be resigned to one more IUI and then we will really be out of money.

I’m going to my regular doctor tomorrow to get the referral I need for my second opinion appointment at the other clinic on the 18th.  I doubt there will be anything else they can say or do.  I will ask my RE about endometriosis this time, but I am otherwise at a loss.  I don’t have any more ideas, or theories, or solutions.

This morning when I tested, I was using my son’s bathroom.  And I swore I saw a VERY light line.  I held it in several different positions and I still saw the line – I mean it was SO light, I thought my mind could be playing tricks on me.  So I took it into the other bathroom to look and made The Wife check it.  She saw no line.  And when I looked at it in that light, there was no line.  That was annoying – I didn’t expect to see anything and then there was just the slightest hint of something and then there was nothing.

I have a distant friend who is dealing with some hardship in her family right now.  And she’s also on a life changing fitness journey.  She posts periodic videos documenting her journey – the good and the bad.  Her latest video is here: 

One of the things she talks about in this video is emotional eating.  She is working on conquering that battle, and as such is learning to lean into the pain instead of trying to mask it with food.  Although I often don’t recognize it, I have the same problem with emotional eating.  It struck me in the shower this morning, as I was struggling with the negative test results, the fact that we are pretty much out of money for another IVF, and the idea that we might really only have one IUI left and then it’s over – that emotional eating is a big thing for me.

But, I think the hypnosis might be helping a bit.   I realized that I usually do use food – sugar, in particular, to help soothe my nerves and mask the pain of all of this.  But as I was thinking about it today, I realized that I don’t actually have the craving or inclination to do that today – but I also don’t know what to do instead.  Sugar is like lidocaine for those raw feelings.  And without my lidocaine, how do I deal with that?

Which is what brought me back to Cynthia’s video – lean into the pain.  I’m not sure I know exactly what that means, but if I can’t run from it, and I can’t lidocaine it with sugar, what other choice is there, really?

I wanted to run through it this morning, to just run – run it out of my head.  Get my frustration out, exhaust myself – run until I cried.   Maybe that’s leaning into it?  I don’t know – a freak AM thunderstorm kept me from getting outside, so I’m just sitting with it today trying to figure out what to do with it.



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