Aside

I’m a good person.  It’s true.  I really am.  A friend just got pregnant.  On her first try.  And I am all at once so relieved and happy for her, and sad and bitter for myself.  I would not wish this on anyone.  But it still feels a bit like salt in the wounds.  The wounds I can’t seem to heal.  I always wonder when it’s not going to hurt so much every time a friend gets pregnant.  When I am going to stop begging the universe and asking why that can’t be me and just be happy for other people?

I wonder if that will ever happen.  What I do know is that it hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve watched so many people get pregnant and have babies in the time that we’ve been trying – and it used to not bother me so much.  But now it does.  Now it’s just heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak – watching all of these people get the one thing that I can’t.  And then I feel shitty for being so sad and bitter – because I sure as hell wouldn’t want any of them to have to go through this.  I guess it’s just jealousy – in it’s purest, most ugly form.

 

I’m a good per…

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2 responses »

  1. And totally normal. I’m right there with you. And like you, I’m not sure it something you ever totally get over. There will always be that aspect of “gee, I wish it were so easy”

  2. ANYONE in your position would feel that way. I remember those feelings of jealousy and bitterness when I was trying unsuccessfully and I watched friend after fertile friend get pregnant, and I did not have 1/10 of the heartache that you have dealt with. You are a very good person who has had some rotten luck in the last few years.

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