Aside

This is the new plan.  We had to time this to work around a vacation we have planned in June, so it got backed up a few weeks.  I guess after 2 years, a few weeks is neither here nor there.  I am on BCP for several weeks.  Baseline on June 5.  Start Lupron on June 10.  Start Gonal-F on June 17.  Follicle check on June 25.  From there, we will trigger and do a Day 6 frozen transfer of donated embryos.  I plan to also use endometrin for luteal phase support.

Why not?  We’ve never tried doing it this way…and I would guess that most people don’t because injectibles aren’t cheap.  But, if it could work, we’re trying.

I hate waiting to start cycles.  HATE it.  But, I don’t think it would hurt to have a few weeks off.  Mentally.  I am exhausted.  I mostly want to crawl into a dark hole and just stay there until I could come out and everything would be fixed.  We would rewind the last 2 years, and I would not be so broken.

That’s the thing that gets so hard sometimes.  I see that I am just a shadow of who I used to be.  All of that energy and excitement I had for life is gone.  I used to love to travel, to take risks, to explore and have incredible experiences.  Now, I would really love to just lie on the couch in silence.  I don’t like who I have become through this process.  I don’t like how hard it is just to get out of bed everyday.  I don’t like that I can’t seem to find real, long term hope anymore.  There’s nothing else to grab onto, to hold onto – I feel like I am constantly just scrambling for a temporary foothold – with the hope that this is finally going to be the one that doesn’t crumble out from under me.

I’m melancholy.  And it sucks.  Maybe the next few weeks of nothing fertility related will give me a chance to work through some of this.

This is the new…

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