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I seem to have pulled myself back together.  I have taken some time to sit with this and let it sink in, for what it is.  It’s not our last chance and it’s not the end of the world.  As we approach the end of our supplies (vials of sperm and frozen embryos), for lack of a better term, I had planned for this to be the end of the road.  It felt like a nice clean place to stop.  But I am not sure I am going to be able to stop.  The thought that brings me solace is that we can buy a few vials of sperm and try again, with a different donor.  2 years ago THAT seemed like the end of the world, but a lot can change in 2 years.  I think it hit so hard because this was our last vial of sperm and that really was the last attempt for a full genetic sibling.  So, it was bigger and more meaningful than other cycles – and so I lost it because of what it meant when it failed.  But, life is not over.  It is not the end of the world.  And I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday (who also happens to be a co-worker), and we talked, and I cried.  She asked how much longer I think I will go, and I told her I don’t know.  She said that she’s worried that this is going to break me, and she hopes that I take care of myself.  I told her I thought it was too late for that.  I don’t think you can ever go back.  I think I am about 6 months past broken.  I love her for having the courage and understanding to say it to me, though.  Good friends say the things that you don’t really want to hear in addition to the things you DO want to hear.   And although her situation was so different, I know that she understands this need to have another child, the desperation when you think it isn’t going to happen, etc.  She gets it.

I am working with my clinic to plan my next cycle now.  We have 2 donated frozen embryos left.  They are day 6 hatching blasts.  This FET will be different from the others.  At my request, we are going to do a mock cycle.  I believe that my body responds better to natural hormones than all synthetic, so I want natural hormones in my system this time.  So, we will use a low dose of gonal-f to stimulate some follicles, trigger so I ovulate, use endometrin for LP support, and do the transfer 6 DPO.  The eggs that I ovulate will be throw aways, we just need the follicles to develop the lining and for progesterone after I ovulate.   It’s unorthodox, but I figure if they do FET with natural cycles, why not with a mock cycle to achieve the same outcome?  My gut feeling is that my body will respond better.

I am also concerned that my period has been so short.  2 Days and it’s over.  The last several cycles have been this way.  I feel like something is wrong there.  I meant to ask when the nurse called, but I forgot.  She’s supposed to call me back, so maybe I will ask then.

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One response »

  1. Fingers crossed for you. Infertility sucks and there is no way around that. You have been extremely strong and I believe you will know what to do when the time comes. Hugs

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