Things Fall Apart

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And by things, I mean me.  I got my period tonight.  It’s starting, anyway.  I will say at this point that while I never let myself admit it out loud, I was 100% sure this IUI worked.  I was as certain as you can be that I was pregnant.  Certain.  And then certain again.  I tried to talk myself out of it – but I couldn’t – I just felt certain.  I’m even having a hard time believing it now – and I am spotting.

I am at this conference, and there is a big dinner tonight.  I am on the senior team – this is a mandatory event for me.  But I just left.  I told one of my colleagues, who said she would try to deflect for me, and I left.  Which is good, because apparently the amount of time it took me to get back to my hotel room was the exact amount of time I had before disintegrating into a weeping, semi-hysterical disaster.  I am currently not at risk of vomiting, which is an improvement over 10 minutes ago.  And I am not hyperventilating.  Also an improvement.

I knew I was going to fall apart some if this was the outcome, but I guess I didn’t expect the complete breakdown that I seem to be having.  I am trying to focus myself a bit by writing, I would like to stop being hysterical.

This might be the first time that I am absolutely not sure if I can do this anymore.  We have 2 more frozen donated embryos, we’ll use them.  I’ll get out of this knee jerk hysteria, and come to my senses.  But, I don’t know.  I’m back to that fucking place where I don’t know how to keep going, but I don’t know how to stop either.

I want to go home.  I don’t want to have to hold it together for another day of this conference.  I don’t want to have to be in front of everyone tomorrow, biting back tears all day.  I don’t hide them well.  And this is not the time for me to slip up- I HAVE to be in control.

It’s hard to blog when my head is everywhere – I feel so disjointed.  But because I am sitting in this hotel room alone, it’s all there is.  This computer and crying and more crying.

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2 responses »

  1. I’m also so sorry. It hurts me to go through this with you. 😦 You have every right to cry and fall apart as much as you need to.

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