And by things, I mean me. I got my period tonight. It’s starting, anyway. I will say at this point that while I never let myself admit it out loud, I was 100% sure this IUI worked. I was as certain as you can be that I was pregnant. Certain. And then certain again. I tried to talk myself out of it – but I couldn’t – I just felt certain. I’m even having a hard time believing it now – and I am spotting.
I am at this conference, and there is a big dinner tonight. I am on the senior team – this is a mandatory event for me. But I just left. I told one of my colleagues, who said she would try to deflect for me, and I left. Which is good, because apparently the amount of time it took me to get back to my hotel room was the exact amount of time I had before disintegrating into a weeping, semi-hysterical disaster. I am currently not at risk of vomiting, which is an improvement over 10 minutes ago. And I am not hyperventilating. Also an improvement.
I knew I was going to fall apart some if this was the outcome, but I guess I didn’t expect the complete breakdown that I seem to be having. I am trying to focus myself a bit by writing, I would like to stop being hysterical.
This might be the first time that I am absolutely not sure if I can do this anymore. We have 2 more frozen donated embryos, we’ll use them. I’ll get out of this knee jerk hysteria, and come to my senses. But, I don’t know. I’m back to that fucking place where I don’t know how to keep going, but I don’t know how to stop either.
I want to go home. I don’t want to have to hold it together for another day of this conference. I don’t want to have to be in front of everyone tomorrow, biting back tears all day. I don’t hide them well. And this is not the time for me to slip up- I HAVE to be in control.
It’s hard to blog when my head is everywhere – I feel so disjointed. But because I am sitting in this hotel room alone, it’s all there is. This computer and crying and more crying.