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My new guitar plays like butter.  It’s smooth and gentle and easy to listen to.  Much easier to play, too.  My old one required some significant arm strength to be able to play.  This one is much faster and easier.  AND, since it’s electric acoustic, I can plug it into my laptop and record into my Garage Band software and record some of my own stuff.  Which should be fun.  I am getting ready to spend a lot, a whole lot, of money on fertility drugs again, so I am trying to put off the guilt of spending the money on the guitar.  What’s done is done, right?

The past week or so I have been really torn about how we move forward with all of our family building plans.  On one hand, I had decided we have 2 tries left and then we will pursue adoption and stop fertility treatments because that is required by the fos/adopt agency.  On the other hand, it struck me that we could just choose a new sperm donor and try one or two more IUI cycles with a new sperm donor.  I am really, really torn.  The idea of trying a few more IUI cycles cut my stress levels massively.  I finally stopped crying when I started thinking about that.  On the flip side, I am also really eager to pursue fos/adopt because it might be our best chance.  And I can’t do them concurrently.  And that’s what is really bothering me.  I even called another adoption agency this morning and they said that not only do you need to be done with fertility treatments, but you need to wait 6 months to “make sure there is nothing left in your system”.  Errr, as in fertility drugs?  What difference would that make for adoption?  So we definitely will not be using them.

It’s frustrating me – the minute I had a foster kid that it looked like we would be able to adopt, I would be done with fertility treatments.  Totally done.  But trading one unknown for another…that’s the part I seem to be struggling with making a decision on.

At least right now I am feeling less stressed.  Today, I am not so tense.  This is good – and once I start running again, I know it will help.  Aside from weight and blood sugar management, running is just really, really good for my mental health.  And i need all the help I can get with that right now.

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