It’s been a weepy day.  I met with the female RE at my practice.  We’ll call her Dr. L for ease of describing.  It was a good appointment in terms of recapping our treatment and experiences thus far, and where to go from here.  She was patient, compassionate, listened and it was exactly what I needed to feel comfortable going forward.  But, it was a very, very tangible and real discussion about the end of this journey being very near.  Which was WAY emotional for me.  And has left me very delicate today.

It became apparent in the course of this conversation that we may have options beyond these two cycles, that would come at a lesser cost than another IVF cycle.  And I am really struggling.  Part of me was so relieved at the thought of being done, getting my life back, and moving forward.  But another equally strong part of me is screaming, “How can you walk away if there’s a chance???”  Today was the first day I was faced with the possibility that I might have to decide that the emotional toll this is taking is greater than I can handle.  And that’s a very different decision to make than, “We are out of sperm, money and embryos, so we are done.”  And that, perhaps, is the reality of the situation that has had me in tears all day.  It’s not just going to be done because a shortage of supplies or an outside force determines it is done – I am going to have to decide that it’s done.  And that decision scares the hell out of me.  What if I regret my decision?  What if I spend the rest of my life regretting it?   This day really kicked me in the face – and I didn’t see it coming.

On the flip side, we are able to start our new cycle right away.  I had my baseline this morning.  I start Lupron on Friday.  Stims the following Friday and then IUI when the eggs are ready.  This is the last vial of sperm on the planet, apparently, from our donor.  Which means this is the absolute last chance to have a child who is a full genetic sibling to our son.  Like it or not, doors are closing around us.  We just have to be ready to look for whatever window may be opening in it’s place.  They say that’s what happens, right?  I’m not religious, but I do believe that doors closing forces you to look differently and see open windows.

So, after I shed the weepiness that is on me today, I am going to regroup and be ready to approach this cycle with whatever optimism I can find.  I mean, I have to bust out some Grade A eggs, which clearly isn’t my forte.  So, I need whatever help I can get – and an improved mental state certainly could not hurt.

Incidentally universe, the 2WW on this cycle would come about a week before my birthday.  You know what would make a really great birthday present?  Yeah.  Me too.

2 responses »

  1. As far regretful decisions i have to say from experience you really just have to make it and move on knowing you are doing what is best for all parties involved. it does not make the decision any easier tho.

    • Yeah, but I never do that. I second guess everything, a thousand times. And for a really long time. And that’s why before I make emotional decisions, I have to make sure I have dealt with anything that’s still a nagging issue. And this situation is not clean, and there may never be a resolution to all of the nagging issues. And that is scary to me – but I know that when I have to, I’ll make a decision.

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