Not OK


So, I suppose technically I am still pregnant.  I peed on a first response stick yesterday mid-day, almost hoping for it to be stark white negative.  But it wasn’t.  It had the “squint and hold it up to the light” positive result.  Which was worse, I think, than a negative would have been.  At least if it had been completely negative, it would have maybe meant that it was resolving itself.  That barely positive result means there’s something still there and still not doing things right.  There’s no miracle happening.

The worst part is that I DO have pregnancy symptoms.  Hunger being the biggest one, and occasional bouts of nausea.  It’s so not fair.

At least, at least, at least – for the first time my wife acknowledged that there is something going on with me.  This round has not been particularly good for our relationship and I haven’t been sure what to do about that.   Last night I mentioned how I have just been craving protein and she said, “That might be related to what’s happening in your body.”  I almost fell over, that she acknowledged that I am dealing with something here.  Regardless of how it ends, at this moment in time, it is my life and I am having to deal with it.  And some acknowledgement that it was happening was nice.

I’m getting exhausted trying to just act like everything is ok all the damn time.  And if I fail at acting like everything is ok, I also don’t want to answer, “What’s wrong?”  Really?  What do you think is wrong?  Do I have to repeat “chemical pregnancy not resolving” 10 times in a weekend?  I know that no one else has to live it every minute – but I do.  Not a minute passes that I am not living with this – with the hormones, with the certainty/uncertainty, wondering what is going to happen to me in the coming days.  It takes everything to have all of that going on and still have to live and be a part of the world, with a smile and patience and empathy and all of the other things it takes to look like nothing is wrong.

I’m tired and I need a little space, at some points in the day, to just be not ok.  Because I’m not.



4 responses »

  1. I am glad that you are getting some recognition. This shit is tough, and it’s even harder to go through it alone. I am thinking of you lots and lots these days.


    • Thank you. I think some rounds are harder than others and this one was a particularly difficult round for us.

  2. Damn. I’m so sorry you have to endure this…and practically alone. I’d lend you my wife if I could. Although it means more if it’s your own wife. Hang in there my friend.

    • I’m trying to see it from her perspective, too. She’s been dealing with this for 2 years too- so maybe it’s her coping mechanism. You just really have no idea how this breaks you down until you’ve been through so much of it. This cycle has been rough.

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