Today is a strange day. I’m feeling kind of raw and vulnerable. And that’s not normal for me. Actually, most people would never, ever use the word vulnerable to describe me because I work very hard to make sure that most people don’t see that side of me.
But today I just feel really exposed. It’s coming straight from the core. I feel like I have no secrets from the world and everyone can just see all of the guilt and pain and disappointment and hopelessness that I am carrying around. It’s really throwing me off – the only place I ever feel like this is in the shrink’s office, when I intentionally let down the armor and force myself to expose all of this and try to deal with it.
The day didn’t start like this, it started fine. It was an ultimately insignificant work situation that brought this all crashing down. I have been working with a corporate partner to develop and implement a very cool new idea. That partner emailed me this morning and showed me how she had shared that idea with another organization and how they had implemented it and isn’t it great. MY idea. MY MY MY idea. She gave to a pseudo-competitor, who was able to implement it publicly before I had the resources to do so. And she is a trusted partner, so I think I felt like she had somehow violated our friendship and our corporate relationship. Ultimately, it’s insignificant. This particular idea isn’t life altering for anyone, it was just a cool little innovation. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
But that’s all it took to push me over the edge. That’s what it took for my carefully constructed facade of strength and cheer – my house of cards – to come crashing down. I don’t even feel like crying, I just want to be in my own bed, under my comforter, where I feel safe.