Well, we still have the formality of the beta on Monday, but here we are at 8DP 6DT, and there was no second blue line this morning.  Three days, three negatives.  Which means I am not going to even bother wasting a test tomorrow.  I debated even changing my estrogen patches this morning – it feels like I am just throwing money away by using these expensive meds when I’ve got a really clear result.  Yet, there’s the part of me that knows I just can’t stop until they tell me to.

We have a single vial of sperm left, and two donated embryos.  I think the next cycle will be an IUI with our last vial of sperm.  This is our last chance at getting a genetic sibling for our son.  Which really isn’t as important as it used to be.  At least with IUI I get pregnant.  I mean, I lost all of them (excluding our son, of course).  But I lost all of them this time around.

I have been a royal failure at IVF.  With IVF, I never even hit the pregnancy milestone.  2 IVF cycles, 22 eggs retrieved, only 5 made it to freeze, and only 3 of those made the thaw. THREE.  2 cycles of IVF and I only got 3 potentially viable thawed blasts, with no fresh transfers.  It’s like I just threw away $27,000.  Well, I’ll be paying for not having a baby for like 5 years before we pay off this big fat IVF debacle.

I have, at this point, stopped crying every time I think about the fact that I’ve failed, yet again.  That’s better than the last 2 days.  But I was a miserable, moody, sulky, wretched person today.  I could have used a little extra kindness, maybe a little space…but that’s not something that happens, so I just had to be miserable.  I really need to arrange 3 days away for myself at test time – I need time to process, plan and get emotionally stable again.  And I can’t have anyone – ANYONE – being at all emotionally aggressive with me – I can’t handle it.  So, I am hoping tomorrow is better.   It’s a rare thing these days, but I am actually looking forward to going back to work.  Where I can be left alone if I want to be, and I can just focus on something outside of myself for the whole day.  Monday can’t come soon enough this week.



2 responses »

  1. Fuck. I am so sorry.

    I am right there with you — waiting for Monday to stop these meds and get the official okay to indulge in a bottle of wine and some sushi. I have no idea where we go from here, but I totally understand — how can we gamble so much money on disappointment? I would KILL my husband if he gambled $35,000 away at the casino — but we’ve easily spent more than that on IVF. It sickens me.

    Wishing with all my heart that this cycle had a different ending for you.


  2. Sorry you aren’t getting the emotional support you need. Wish I lived closer to offer you a retreat…it’s otherwise a long flight. More hugs!!!

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