Valium Anyone?

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Until now, I’ve stayed remarkably calm this time around.  I don’t believe I have let myself think realistically that this might not have worked.  Though lord knows, with my history, that should just be the assumption.  And maybe that’s part of it, I also don’t think it did work.  So, I have concurrent, conflicting, mutually exclusive thought processes happening right now.  Excellent.

Tonight is the first time I have started to feel nervous this cycle.  That panic attack kind of nervous that has decided recently that it needs to be a part of my life.  Sweating, heart pounding, chest crushing, hyperventilating, ringing in the ears, world closing in kind of nervous.  Panic attacks are a new one for me.   Like most people, I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life.  But I’ve never had panic attacks until now.  Infertility and RPL are the gifts that just keep on giving.

I could really use a valium or ativan or something to get me through the night.

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