Until now, I’ve stayed remarkably calm this time around. I don’t believe I have let myself think realistically that this might not have worked. Though lord knows, with my history, that should just be the assumption. And maybe that’s part of it, I also don’t think it did work. So, I have concurrent, conflicting, mutually exclusive thought processes happening right now. Excellent.
Tonight is the first time I have started to feel nervous this cycle. That panic attack kind of nervous that has decided recently that it needs to be a part of my life. Sweating, heart pounding, chest crushing, hyperventilating, ringing in the ears, world closing in kind of nervous. Panic attacks are a new one for me. Like most people, I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life. But I’ve never had panic attacks until now. Infertility and RPL are the gifts that just keep on giving.
I could really use a valium or ativan or something to get me through the night.