I called the adoption agency today.  They are a not-for-profit that partners with the county to place children.  I have to start really solidifying my thoughts on this because every time I think about it,  it just becomes a big blur of “OMG I have no idea what I am doing with this and I am scared and excited and scared of being excited”.  So, pros and cons.


Potentially having a child closer in age to our son.  He can have a playmate in his sibling, which I have always wanted for him.

It’s an option that does not involve us having to try to come up with an exorbitant amount of money. which we do not have.

It would help me feel like I am being proactive to start down this path and to know, definitively, if this option is a possibility for our family.

It doesn’t involve me injecting or otherwise subjecting my body to mass amount of hormones.  There is no “wand” involved.

We have some control over the process and the decision making – we are not simply waiting to see if my body is going to cooperate and if I manage to produce a usable egg.

Ultimately, we would be helping a kid who needs it.  And while it would be truthful to say that my motive is not to help someone who needs it, my motive is to grow my family, it’s a bonus.



It’s foster to adopt.  Concurrent planning.  While we have a child in our home, they are trying to also place that child back with his/her birth parents or a family member.  I’m not wanting to be a foster parent.  I don’t have the mental fortitude AND that’s just not where I am in my life right now.

So, even if we could come to terms mentally with the idea of a child being taken away from us, our 4.5 year old will not be able to.  We can rationalize it – he cannot.  All he can do is love.  He doesn’t know how to care without loving with abandon – it’s all or nothing with the 4-5 year old crew.  I can’t bear the thought of the heartbreak he would experience if a child he has come to love is taken from our home and placed back with their birth family.

The children generally have some sort of disability or have been through some type of trauma, hence being removed from their parents.  This can create a lot of the unexpected.

Parenting classes, homestudies, etc.  I understand this on an intellectual level, but it is frustrating to have to go sit in parenting classes when I am raising a beautiful, smart, funny, well adjusted, 4.5 year old.  The part that bothers me about it is that I will have to give up time with said 4.5 year old to sit in classes that may not be beneficial to me.  This is a small con, and would never be influential on decision making.  So, I suppose it’s more of an annoyance than an actual “con”.

So, next step is to get a packet of information and go to the first class “Exploring Permanency” in early February.  I never saw my life leading me here and it doesn’t really feel real.  I wonder at what point it starts to feel real.  Maybe it’s because I know we are not quite done trying on our own and as of now this is the “back-up plan”….I’m not sure.  What I do know is that it’s just not where I expected life to lead me and, today, that’s a hard pill to swallow.  Yesterday it wasn’t – but today it is.


One response »

  1. You are being so strong!!! I know that you are dealing with curveballs right now, and it’s great that you are coping by finding a new plan instead of dwelling on what didn’t work. I know that you never saw this situation in your long term plan, but just take it day by day and focus on the next decision you have to make, not the final decision. We are here for you every step of the way!

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