It has been a very long day. I’ve jumped 10 steps ahead and then forced myself to come back to today and just focus on the now. I’ve struggled to work through the emotion of the disappointment and at the same time, tried to mostly keep it to myself.
In the span of one day, I have questioned and cursed every fertility related decision we have made in the last 6 months. I’ve cried. And cried again. And cried again. I’ve plastered on fake smiles, mustered fake laughs, and plowed through all of my obligations. And I decided to run for City Council and then changed my mind. Tomorrow will be the same, with hopefully less crying, and less crazy (ie: running for City Council. Perhaps running for public office is NOT the best way to distract myself from all of this.)
I think I have worked through the disappointment for the most part, now it’s facing the fear of going forward. We really are approaching the end of our journey. Unless some power of the universe drops a large sum of money in our laps, we will attempt another FET with our last two frozen blasts, provided they survive the thaw. And then we have a single vial of donor sperm left that is from the same donor as our son, so we will likely attempt a Hail Mary IUI as our last chance. There’s no more sperm available from this donor anywhere, so it’s our last chance at getting our son a fully genetic sibling – which frankly, is becoming less important by the day.
I called a non-profit adoption agency that works with the county and spent a long time talking to them on the phone. There are many, many reservations and serious considerations to adopting through the county, but after spending over $25,000 on IVF, that’s the only way we are going to be able to afford adoption. So, I think we are going to start filling out paperwork, going to classes, get a home study, etc. If we never need it, fine. If we decide it’s not for us, fine. But if we get to that point, and we decide it’s a viable option, we have used our time wisely in taking care of the formalities and time consuming pre-work concurrent with our last few tries at having a baby on our own. A major benefit to adoption is that we could get a child closer in age to our son, so he would have the playmate I’ve always wanted him to have in a sibling. So, pros and cons, and a LOT to consider, but no harm in starting to lay some groundwork.
We’ve also decided to talk to our clinic about embryo donation. Their website says they have donated embryos available. So, my thinking is that we are definitely headed for another FET. If my blasts do not survive the thaw, then I wonder if we can use donated embryos instead. We will already be ready and through the whole process, they would just out back different embryos. I doubt it works this easily even though it seems like such a great plan to me, but, I will talk to the clinic about it next week.
So, to summarize this day:
-Accepted and started dealing with failed FET
-Decided to start the ball rolling on adoption
-Decided to explore donated embryo option
-Decided to run for City Council
-Decided NOT to run for City Council
One thing I love about myself is that even in the midst of some serious depression, I have a good dose of crazy that I can laugh about later.