My mind keeps wandering to tomorrow and the transfer. Each time, my lungs freeze up in an immediate and complete refusal to comply with their biological directive to breathe. My heart starts racing, I’m certain that if you were looking at me you could see it beating inside my chest. My fingers start to tingle, my arms and legs feel limp and I start to get light headed. My vision starts to go white as I am mentally steeling myself and willing my lungs to resume and my heart to calm down. Body parts, just do your damn job!
I’ve never really experienced physical anxiety around fertility treatments before. Well, I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced anxiety so significantly about anything. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had an anxiety attack before and I’m pretty sure that’s what this is. This is new. I just cannot think about tomorrow. Every time I let my mind wander to the fact that tomorrow this could be all over, I repeat the process above. I can get it under control as long as I force myself to shift my thinking to something different. IE – the fact that I should be working on my actual job right now, but am instead blogging about my anxiety.
My body is defying my mental resolve to NOT let this get the best of me. To remain distracted, to stay detached. This is the moment where I need a tool to break the mind body connection – just for a day. Tomorrow, my mind and body can work together again to deal with whatever we need to deal with. But today, I need them to function independently.
Directive to my body today: Everyone just do their own job and do not worry about what the rest the the mind and body are doing. Your job is to do your own job and do it with unfaltering excellence.
I have a coworker who knows that we are having the transfer tomorrow and this morning she said that this is all exciting because we are finally back to having a chance. I didn’t really know how to respond because I’m not excited. I won’t be excited or even a little bit anything other than anxious, until I know anything survives the thaw. I guess maybe I should be a little excited, but I’m really not. In my mind, tomorrow has been lovingly dubbed “Doomsday”. I don’t know how to have a more positive outlook. It’s make or break. Some make the thaw and we have a chance or none make it and I have to really figure out how to close this chapter and accept a different vision for my entire life. And I am not ready for that. That’s a whole other set of decisions and feelings that I have just not been able to deal with yet.