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I’ve been continually bothered by the situation with my friend at the birthday party yesterday.  But, I’ve decided to chalk it up to a complete lack of emotional intelligence.  For a moment, I thought maybe there was some reason she was intentionally antagonizing me.  But, she’s not that kind of person.  Lack of emotional intelligence.  Which means that I need to just put it out of mind and go on with my business.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why my mood is so much better this week.  I’m not feel so encompassed by darkness.  I realized that the whole IVF with embryo banking process is really brutal.  When we were TTC with IUIs, each cycle there was some hope.  Whether I wanted it or not, there was at least a brief time of hope.  And in an IVF cycle with a fresh transfer, there’s the same hope.  But we haven’t had any hope for anything since like August.  But, we’ve had all of the heartache, the process, etc.  We’ve been doing to IVF, just without any transfers to give us something to hold onto.  It’s just been IVF, bad news.  Wait.  IVF, bad news.  Wait.  For like 4 months.  And the longer it went on, the darker my mood got.

And now we are on the cusp of a transfer.  And I am so painfully aware that there are no guarantees here, and none of our blasts may even survive to be transferred.  And there’s no back up plan if that happens.  BUT, this is the first time we’ve had something to hang onto in terms of hope in a long time.  I think that’s really helping me come out of that overwhelming and stiflingly dark place, and it is really nice to get a respite from that place.

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