Stop Making Me Cry, Dammit

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Today I cried at a 5 year old’s birthday party.

I have a friend, a local friend, and I haven’t seen her in over a year.  We keep in touch and talk off and on, but life is just such that we don’t see each other.  I hadn’t talked to her in a few months, so I called her earlier this week.  While we were chatting I filled her in on where the fertility and miscarriage stuff has been over the past several months.  And I told her that I am just super sensitive, I cry at the drop of a hat and I’m just having a hard time hanging out with people these days.  Sort of my explanation, I guess, for not being in touch with her.

So, we ended up at a birthday party together this morning.  She was telling a story about her son’s preschool and then said, “You know, when you lose so many babies first, then you finally have one, you are overprotective and you have a built in panic button.  Ask her!”  And she points to me.  Already, I am ready to crawl out of my skin.  This is not a conversation for public consumption.  But, she wasn’t done.  She started poking me in the stomach like I was the god damn pillsbury dough boy and said, “They install that panic button right here.  Right here after you lose your babies.”  At which point I could feel the tears and I knew I was done for.  I just turned around and said, “OK, time for me to walk away.”  And I left and had to find a place to pull my shit together.

She lost seven babies before finally having her son.  She knows how bad this hurts.  Maybe because hers is so far in the past and she’s healed it doesn’t cross her mind that I am NOT healed.  Certainly she doesn’t understand the utter chaos your body and mind go through with fertility treatments, but I tried to explain that to her.

I don’t know.  It just left me feeling way out of whack.  I don’t like crying in front of people.  I don’t like crying in public (who does?).  And I don’t like my personal business just thrown around in conversation, which is why I haven’t talked to many people about all of this.   It was altogether a very strange situation and I don’t even know what to make of it.  Other than to be glad it’s over and try not to dwell on it.

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