Last night, as I was lying on the couch sniffling and coughing, my mind was wandering in a cough/cold medicine induced journey. In my head, we had our transfer this month and it took. And I was pregnant with twins.
At my RE office, when you go in for the first OB ultrasound to check for a heartbeat, and they find one, there’s a celebration outside the room after you get dressed. They gather all of the doctors, nurses, office staff – and everyone claps and there are hugs all around when you leave the ultrasound room. Then they give you a baby gift and copies of your ultrasound pictures and wish you a happy life. And you are off. It’s quite a lovely sentiment for the new parents-to-be who have gone through hell and back, in most cases, to get that baby.
So, as I was lying there playing out this situation in my head, I got to the point where they had found the two heartbeats, confirmed twins. And I was instantly struck full of fear – not just in my daydream, but I actually felt my heart start pounding and all of the sudden, I was terrified. After 3 consecutive losses, I see pregnancy like this: Step 1: Positive pregnancy test. Step 2: See heartbeat. Step 3: Second trimester. And it’s not until Step 3 hits, that I am even willing to consider that I might actually have a baby. Steps 1 & 2 used to be exciting, but they aren’t anymore. They’re not cause for celebration anymore. All I feel is heightened anxiety about how bad it’s going to hurt if this doesn’t work. Again.
In my daydream, the doctor left the room and was gathering people for the congratulatory hugs and celebration and such. But, God, the thought of that actually happening if we get pregnant terrifies me. I won’t be excited. I have, in the spare room intended to be the nursery, the gift bag with the toy and onesie they from the last one. It just sits there untouched, watching me every time I go in that room. I can’t get make myself rid of it. I can’t touch it. I just see it everytime I go in there. And everytime I see it, it reminds me of what I lost. I can’t bear the thought of having a collection of those. Clothes and toys for babies that never were.
So, I know I am getting ahead of myself here, but what do I do if we get to that point? Where there’s a heartbeat? Do I ask the RE to please not make a big deal about it – with our history we can’t endure a celebration so early? And that’s not such an unreasonable request, but it makes me feel twitchy and like I would be giving the perception of not appreciating the situation, if I were to say that to the RE. And if all of those nurses and doctors and other folks that have taken us on this journey are waiting for hugs and happiness and I come out of the room looking like a terrified dear in the headlights…awkward.
You know what else terrifies me? That I am even thinking that this might happen.